Can't Sleep.

Settling is not something I'm good at.
While my life has pushed me in many directions, begging for a choice from either myself or someone else to really decide the fate of what's to come, I have never been one to truly want to settle for the mediocrity of how things can be.
Routines, while stable, end up seeming boring and claustrophobic to me in the end, driving me from everything that is comfortable, pushing everything away and especially the people that surround me at that time.

Why should I settle for what's easy, when I know there is so much more out there, so much more that could be better for me?
Settling for me is more than just settling for the right person, it's settling for the circumstances that coincide with that. Settling for the comfort of the environment, the schedules, the mundane lifestyles of the city life that seem to unfold in front of me with ease.
Settling, while it's a part of our human nature, seems to be something that I strive to push away with every ounce of my being when I start to feel it.

The ache to flee, to run from everything that I've grown to know, is overwhelming at times.
How does one break away without hurting everyone else too much?
You can't break away without some collateral damage, especially in the ways of love. Being attached is the ultimate settling and I've done that before, but while my heart wanted to stay, my whole body was itching to leave. My body, involuntarily secluding myself, being absent in my affection towards who I had known before, always made things easier, but at the same time, so much messier.

Life and love, you should never settle for the things that seem too easy, because the things that are most worth it in life are so much harder to grasp, so much more difficult to hold on to. Putting yourself out there, making an effort, being bold, that's what life is about.
People always say follow your passion and sometimes that may not be true, but the thing about it is, sometimes you can't just give up.
You can't settle for what you feel isn't right. Keep searching for those feelings in life that make everything seem like it's in place, where the puzzle is complete.

I am always missing pieces, but I won't give up until I'm all put together. Settling has never been an option for me, so why would I start letting it be now?

New

My willingness to believe in things is uncanny.
Hope is something I long for in every situation, in every corner of my messy life.

I think everything happens for a reason, whether that reason be because there's a set plan by the works of God or if it's just fate.
Everyone makes choices and has made them to take them and bring them to where they are in their lives today, there's no doubt in my mind about that, I hope there's not in yours.

So I suppose the ultimate question is, where do you want to end up? Where are you going and who do you want to be?

The short, quick answer is, I have no idea. I have places and dreams and hope for the people I want in it, but that's not necessarily where it's going.
I have a wandering mind, a wandering soul, an unquenchable imagination and curiosity. I know what I might want, but that doesn't mean that I am going to get it.

But you get what you put out, in a manner of speaking. Just because you want to be the next president doesn't mean you're going to be by sitting on your couch thinking about it, it takes work and dedication.

(mostly I'm just rambling here, don't mind me)

I guess I'm saying this to remind myself of what needs to be done. To be confident about my actions, to do what I need to to create the life that I want.
A reminder that things aren't always easy, but the work it takes will be worth it in the end.

I may not know exactly what my future holds, but I can try to shape it in the way that I want.
I'm starting on my journey to being better. Being a better me is a good start.
I want to be more myself and that's the first step to the rest of my life, right? I think so.

Confidence, honesty, trust, respect, love, hope, life. It may sound silly, but that's what it's all about.
Throw in a dash (maybe a heaping cup) of adventure and a sprinkle of spontaneity and I'm set.

Life is good if you make it that way and I have a feeling it will be, no matter what.
Be who you are and live life accordingly.
Just a reminder.

It's a relief to feel this way since my life has been a ridiculous mess of emotions lately. Cheers!

What a Tangled Web I Weave

Love isn't like a movie.
It's never going to be.

I can replay every detail of something back to myself, like I'm watching a movie, but trust me, there will be no happy ending.

I'm mad.
I'm mad because I know I messed up. I know, because I feel it every single day. I feel it every time I see him and I feel it when I get home at night and I have nothing but my thoughts and my emotions to fill me full of madness.

I'm mad because that's not love. You don't give up on someone you love just because things get hard.
Love might be easy, but relationships are not. They take work by both people. I was pushing away, but maybe I needed help to be reeled back in, not thrown out to sea with the sharks.

I don't know why I have to be so scared about my future. I don't know why I have to be so scared when things get too serious.
I don't want to get hurt, but I ended up hurting myself way more than I thought would happen.
I broke my own heart because it took me away from someone who meant so much to me.

It's sad really. It's sad that one persons struggles can end such a good thing.
Yes, I struggle with my affection and emotions. It's a thing I deal with on a regular basis.
But you know what's even more sad, is that I was willing to deal with all of his, every one. The anxiety, the potential for depression, the ADD. But my struggles are too real, too hard to deal with.

You know, that's the thing I say when there's someone I don't want to go out with, how I talk myself out of dating people. Because I'm sure they can't handle me. I'm too strong willed, stubborn, and emotionless to be romantic or a good girlfriend.

The saddest part is that I've heard similar things like that before (during my longest relationship). I guess it's why I tell myself that a lot now.
"No one else will want to put up with you"
"You're lucky I'm with you"
"If I can't handle you, you'll never find someone else"

And so on and so on.
I know that it's not true, but it's hard to keep that in mind when everything starts to replay like that.
I want love so bad that I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid to give my whole self because I may not get it all back.
My heart is always hurting. I've lost and I've lost and I'm just here, fighting to keep my sanity in all of this.

My words are jumbled, sometimes contradicting. Sometimes, I honestly don't know how I feel.
I am a mess, but that doesn't mean I can't do better.
Be better.

When I love, I love with all of my heart, whether I show it or not. I show my love in different ways because sometimes, my brain works against my heart.
Saying 'I love you' means the world to me and that's why I don't say it often. I don't want to overuse such important words.
My love is a little bit different, until I learn to trust you with my entire heart. But that doesn't mean it's bad, love is love. I have gotten my heart broken multiple times and I know I need to start to realize that even so, I do deserve the love that I want.

Sometimes I'm afraid I don't deserve the love I desire. Don't ask me why, it's how it goes.
But I do. I deserve someone that's always there, that's willing to love me through it all, despite my shortcomings. Despite my complexities. I have flaws, but so does everyone.

Here it is. Here is me.
Let's get it out in the open and just say, I don't think I want to have kids, for multiple reasons. I just don't see it in the cards for me. I don't find enjoyment being around babies, it's not my thing.
I love animals and sometimes it will seem like I love them more than anythings else. Animals, dogs especially, love you unconditionally. They can't talk back and they're entirely too cute for their own good. Just know that my love for animals comes and goes between species and yes, I will always be fascinated by them.
I love fashion, although my wardrobe may say otherwise. I will always take comfy over stylish, because I know I can't walk in heels for more than an hour and some things are just too cold for Seattle weather.
I like to help people, not just because it is right, but because sometimes people need to be helped and that's ok.
On the other side, I can be very judgmental and critical of things, although I may not always say it. My thoughts are not always meant for the outside world.
Travel is a passion of mine that needs to be put into action at least a couple times a year, otherwise I grow increasingly claustrophobic. The mundane lifestyle I can't live for too long without a nice break.
My friends are important to me, but my family is more so. My friends aren't always there for me, although I will always be there for them. I don't know why that's an ok equation, but I try my best to be a good friend and that includes being honest about how I feel in almost all situations.
I can have fun doing just about anything and I like trying new things, food, places, etc. I'm not entirely risky though, so bungee jumping and skydiving are not on my list.
I'm tough on the outside, because I've needed to be, but my inside is entirely soft. I get hurt more than you think with even little things, but I try not to let them bug me.
I smile a lot, not just because I'm happy but because I want other people to be too, even if I am not.
I am not a good cook. I have to read recipes or make the simplest of things for it to come out properly. I'm great at undercooking or overcooking things. I do like to bake though.

I want my life to be full of happiness, even though it seems I have not found it yet.
I just want to feel happy and I don't want to settle for something that won't make me that way.

I'm stressed, sad, and upset. I've lost my supposed 'soulmate' but I guess there will be another one out there somewhere.
If anything, I'll just adopt a lot of cats and dogs (not hoarding!) and live my life that way.
I'm the only one who can make myself happy.
I've done a good job at messing that one up so far... but I'll keep trying.

This post is way too long, but I'm not going to be silly people making movies and put it into 2 parts.
Fuck that.

Cheers.

The beginning - 2016

Have you ever had to make an important decision that's going to affect your immediate future in just a couple months?

2016 has started out with a bang and I wouldn't necessarily say it's of the good kind.
Newly single, but not wanting to be and struggling to figure out what it is I want and where I'm going.

Who knew that 24 would be my most difficult year for decisions and love. I didn't have a clue...

Yes, I've put myself in this precarious position. Wanting to stay so badly to figure things out (hopefully) with the guy I hurt, but also having to choose if leaving is still a better fit for me.

I finally heard back about the opportunity I was so ready for at the end of December, being able to go and teach two young girls in Tibet.
But having so much time to think about things, I've realized a very key things as to why the flame I had for this has died down, I was trying to run away from everything here.
Not because anything was bad, but because I was feeling claustrophobic. I was feeling suffocated by everything here. My work, my friends, my relationship, and not because anything was going wrong, but because I just felt like I wasn't doing what I really wanted.

I'm not the best at explaining how I feel, but right now, I can honestly say that I am extremely exhausted.
I'm tired and I'm still struggling to put myself together after my love life crumbled.
I'm tired of pushing myself away, when in reality, that's not what I wanted at all.

I've been trying to run away from things for awhile now. Things get too serious, I panic and look for a way out, while pulling back and creating this giant bubble around myself.

Is this a test? What is the right answer for me?
Go or stay?

My relationship seems to be over..but I am still not sure if I want to go. This year is stressing me out.
What more, is that the timing of everything has to be quick.
Today is the day for decisions and I don't think I'm quite ready to make them.

I want love. I want adventure. But I also want to stay sane this year. What's next?

You.

It's funny what time does to you. It gives you the space you desired, but it drags you up and down over countless weeks, replaying and replaying every tiny thing you've ever felt, making sure you don't miss a single instance.

You are a great person, in so many ways. You have your problems just like anyone else, but you're pulling yourself together enough to get out there and do the things you want. I'm glad for you, really.

You have such a great sense of humor. Sometimes in ways I could never understand or comprehend. You always make me laugh and I know that I'm going to live extra long just for knowing you even a little bit.

You have a great sense of style. You like nice things, although I will always think that you look best in the simplest things you wear. A t-shirt and jeans, you wear them so well. I really cannot deny how great you look in a simple black shirt, I have no idea what it is, but I can't take my eyes off of you.

You have big goals and dreams. When it comes to your passions, music especially, you always seem to come back to it, no matter how distracted you may be sometimes. You love music, I see and hear it all the time. I love it too, but not like you do. Your passion goes deeper than that, music isn't just a thing you hear, it's what you feel whenever you hear it. A feeling that nobody can comprehend except for someone with that same passion. You're a good singer and a good guitar player and you're only going to get better. I hope you do.

You're a great lover. While I lack in this category, you definitely don't fall short. You love with all your heart, no matter the trials and tribulations. You have a bigger heart than you let on sometimes, but I see it. You try your best at feeding the emotional aspects, as well as, always keeping the physical love open and ready. I never appreciate this enough, all the compliments you give. I should have appreciated it more.

You're entirely too smart for your own good and I mean that in the best way! Your intelligence isn't surprising, but it's nice. Having someone to talk to about things that are on the same level, instead of having to keep conversations simple, that's so welcomed. While we differ in how we feel about some things, we do actually have a lot of core values in common. Debating nicely, we're good at that.

You have so many great qualities about you, you may not even know it. There is so much more to you than meets the eye. You were my best friend... but I know that all of that is over, you don't want me.
You are going to make some lucky girl entirely too happy one day. I wish that it could be me.

I love you.

Endless Thoughts

Sometimes, the hardest part of any process is letting go.

Most of the time things just end without giving you any kind of closure.
Questions eat away at you as you sit there in a mind numbing trance, trying to recollect lost memories, things you've filed away for later and never thought you would need.

My life is full of questions that were never really answered.

Usually I have to wait it out. Wait till I come to this place where my mind has just had enough of the torture and has realized, it's over.

I thought too much and now I'm upset enough to not be sad anymore. I'm upset because I still have questions, but not sad enough to ask them.
I let go.

I have a hard enough time speaking my thoughts, writing them can get confusing and jumbled, but at least I can write them down.

Sometimes loving someone isn't enough. You love and you learn and you move on.

I'm not in a place where I care much for wanting someone else. I really don't.

I still think about all the times I've laid next to you, rubbing your back in the morning as we start to wake up.
Eating frozen yogurt as friends and leaving knowing we wanted to be together.
That first kiss, in a crowded restaurant where I was entirely too shocked to say anything.
That first date, that turned into a silly movie night, which led to a crazy turn of events.
Trips and plans and friends and love.
I know I wasn't a good girlfriend at the end, not for awhile.
I pulled away because we were getting serious and I didn't want to be tied down to here. I pulled away, not because I didn't want to be with you, but because I didn't want to lose myself in you, like I always do in relationships, like what I thought was already happening.
I didn't want to just be another girl, giving into someone else's wants.

I loved you, I do love you. I pushed you away and you deserved to be upset about it.
I didn't try hard enough and it really did take losing you to know I didn't want to.
I found myself again, but lost my love at the same time.
I get it. But I'm letting go.

You chose this, I'll accept it now. I still don't want to be friends...because all I can think about is kissing you and so much more.
So, to the end of us.
Now it's just you.. and then there's me, somewhere else.

I hope everything is the way you want it to be, you'll be a great musician if you keep working at it.

Listen to Adele - Water Under the Bridge

Cheers.

Love in Life.

Love and relationships are undoubtedly one of the biggest and best parts about life.
Life can be full of great things, but if love isn't a part of it, there's not much else going on.

What you may not learn growing up from school, your family, or even your friends until you go through it, is that relationships and love can also be extremely draining, exhausting, and difficult.

Love, by all means, is amazing, of course, but the fact stands that love can also be your downfall.

You may hold on too tightly to something that never was.
You may hold back too much and nothing ever happens.
You may seek it out and never find it.

I guess that's how it works though, when you try to hard, it doesn't work, but also when you try to little, it gets taken away too quickly.
Where is the compromise, the in between and how do you get there? How do you suggest to yourself and to you partner that this takes both of us, this takes me, choosing you, this takes me trying and putting in all I can but also not giving up who I am.

The struggle.
The want. The need. The ultimate disappointment when something goes wrong.
Love.

Maybe it's not love that does that to us. Love is supposed to be the best, the most, what we're all searching for no matter if we're looking for it now or not.
Love makes life live-able. Love makes you want more in life because you have it.
So what is it that makes love so complicated.

Well, to put it simply, it's us. The complicated beings that we are, the people we choose to be and be with. That's it.
We complicate things for our own lives because of change, because of circumstance, because of insecurities we all have.

Love is supposedly easy, but we make it so much more difficult than it needs to be.

To Have Loved?

What happens when you're the one person who's standing in the way of your own happiness?
What do you do?

How do you cope with the fact that you push away everything you've wanted and probably need, just because you don't know where it's going or what you're doing with your life?

Confused yet? I am.
I seem to have a conflicted mind and heart, fighting eternally for what they want and never meeting in the middle for what might be best for all.
Doesn't it suck when you can't even tell whether it's your head or your emotions making the decisions?
I have been struggling with that lately. It's an impossible itch to scratch when your thoughts and feelings intermingle and make your internal confusion process out loud and screw everything up.

Being alone has been the only way to start to sort out what I think I might want, in reality. But it the end, it still seems so difficult to decipher.

Love. What even is love if not a figment of my own imagination? I tend to be hard to love, hard on myself for loving, and never sure what I actually want out of that kind of relationship.

Here again, is where my head and my heart don't quite see eye to eye. Love is easy, until it's not.

Let's just say, I have no idea what I'm doing. I hide my true feelings so that it doesn't hurt so much in the end, because for the most part, that seems to be the inevitability for me. I'm always sitting in my inevitable relationship downfall. Which of course means, that yes, it's going to end.

Love can be hard, but why do I have to make it so much harder on myself. Why can't I just love and have that be ok?
Why does it have to be over to make me understand what I just lost and what I'm not ever going to get back?

To have love and lost is one thing, but to have loved and lost because you were a complete and total idiot and shouldn't have been pushing people way is another thing.

I'm the total and complete idiot by the way.
That's me.
Over here.
I ruined things again. Maybe it is all my fault. But I guess if it's that easy to let me go, it wasn't going to work out anyway right? Who knows. I don't.

Moving on.

Life is all about one thing. Moving on.
We're always moving on from one thing to the next, from one person to another, and from one place across to somewhere else.

I've always been the one waiting, waiting for something that's a potentially great thing. What I don't do is look at what's right in front of my face most of the time, which is what I found out. He's already there.

The waiting game has never been one I like to play and waiting on a guy to actually want me is like waiting for some rain in the desert. Probably not going to happen. I was so blind to not see that I already had what I wanted and needed.

Waiting is not worth it for me anymore, although I'm still entirely confused about my future.
I've decided on the guy, but I haven't decided on where I'm going to go next year.
I want to get away, far away. To live elsewhere for a bit, even though I plan to come back.
I'm just not sure how it's going to work quite yet.
My plans are up in the air, literally, in my head.

The guy I'm planning on may not want to be a part of my outrageous plans to get away.
What if he doesn't?
I'll probably end up a lonely cat lady. Most likely, but hopefully with big cats, like a lion or a tiger.
Guys just don't always fit into my plans and I guess for now at least I can say it was fun for the time being, right?

See, I'm scatterbrained. So much going on at once. Boys, plans, travel, animals, and food. Didn't I say food?

My life is a chaotic whirlwind, mostly inside my head, that nobody knows about.
That's all.
That's it.

Life is crazy and amazing and not always what you expect. That's what I'm planning on I guess, for the unexpected. But I'm always hoping for what I want.
A life of travel and love and animals and food.
That would be ok with me.
But if life is unexpected, it's probably going to be me, alone, traveling, scraping by and doing what I can to live out my life the way I want. Alone.

Life is crazy.

Cheers to yours.

Life vs. Love

I love to travel and I love where I grew up, really I could be anywhere but in the end I'm sure I'd always want to come home in the end.
Just because I love my home, doesn't mean I have to stay there forever. That seems to be the thing that has been weighing on my thoughts lately, the decision people have to make between either following what they truly want to do or staying back and settling for what they have.

The question I have is, why does there have to be a choice?

Recently, I signed up for another trip out of the country with a group I've traveled with before, EF College Break.
My family and friends supported me and were even envious of my travels, past and future.
One of my friends decided that she would love to go with me and talked through the process with her husband and family to see if she could do it. Everyone was for it and she was entirely excited to be able to go with me, financially she would have to figure it out, but traveling is so worth it!

Today, I was talking to her about the trip and she thought for some reason it was full and I told her she had just forgotten to check a box and it was still available (it's over a year away, there would be plenty of time) and I reminded her of the dates.

She promptly texted me back to say, "Oh, I can't go those dates, that's my anniversary."
I was a little shocked, but I thought I could reason with her by suggesting she'll have many more and that when will she have an opportunity to do this again?
Again, her reply was blunt, "that's not how we see things."

I can tell you now that I'm still surprised at her answer. That an anniversary would stop her from venturing out and doing something she's always wanted to do.
I know she'll never get this chance again and she's throwing it all away for an anniversary that comes around every single year.
She tried to get me to change dates, but I said no. I planned this because this is when I wanted to go, I'm not changing them, it would be more expensive to go earlier and I can't go later for multiple reasons.

This is the conundrum, why is she willing to settle for so much less than what she actually wants?
Love is extremely important in life, but life without adventure and happiness in living out your dreams, that's not a very great life even with love.
Her husband doesn't like to travel and I know they'll never go that far away. So I will most likely be off by myself, which is entirely fine by me.
I feel sad for her, because I just don't see why an anniversary is so much more important.

I love love, but I also love to travel in my life. If my love doesn't want to come, I'll go alone, whenever I want.
Maybe that's just the independent side of me, maybe I just don't care, maybe I'm slightly selfish, but I've settled too much in my life already to not follow my dreams and to let people drag me down.

I can love someone and travel on my own, that's the beauty of life. It's sad some people put so much stake in what they have just right in front of them when there's so much more to the world than that.

I know that I'm sort of just ranting now, but it's hard to help it.
Anyways, from my life to yours.

Cheers and safe travels!

Post realization.

Realizing you may have made a horrible choice, well, that's life.
I'm not the smartest when it comes to relationships and usually I don't get the miracle of a brain epiphany till it's too late.

When it comes to being in a relationship, I'm scared out of my mind. Many factors have played into this over the years to where it makes sense, but I'm so annoyed that it's still screwing up my mind in how I think about things.

Here is the quick back story: I was in a relationship on and off for 8 years, which is a long time by that couple standard. He eventually ended it "for me" when we all know he was done and wanted to move on (with one of his coworkers).
I don't have a lot of room for trust in relationships and after this critical breakup, I realized I had been living my life and planning it around him.
He was the center of MY life, not me. I was giving up a lot of my life dreams and goals because I was with someone with no motivation in life.
So ultimately, I got over it and I was glad we weren't together anymore. I grew up, I moved and got a better job.

Fast forward to now. I was in a great relationship, with fun adventures and open communication.
So why did I decide I wanted to end things?
In all honesty, thinking about it the day after, I don't know.

I was scared. I was scared of giving up my dreams again. I was scared he wouldn't want to go with me and I didn't want to drag him around on my dream if it wasn't his.
I didn't want to be stuck here, waiting for things to happen if they weren't. I was afraid to love because I'd been hurt so many times before.
I wasn't able to open up because trust is such an important part of a relationship and I wasn't ready to relinquish my hold on my heart and my emotions. I'm still putting back together the pieces of my heart, even though I'm over my ex I don't know that I'm ready yet to do that.
I wasn't ready to be vulnerable. I'm a strong person and I want that to show in every aspect of me, so it's really hard for me to let my guard down and just let someone in.

It was my fault. I started pulling away because things were getting too serious. I wouldn't let myself be too affectionate and I wouldn't let myself love him, because who knew where this was going to go.

I thought I had wanted to be alone when in reality, I just didn't want to get hurt...again.
I still want to get away and pursue my dreams and goals. To move away and to travel all that I can.
I just wasn't sure if I wanted him to come with me. I thought deciding to go on my own would make things easier. I didn't realize how much I cared until I pulled the plug.

I cared a lot more than I thought. Maybe I even do love him but I wasn't willing to admit it.

I honestly don't know what I think anymore. Confusion has been a never ending thing for me lately.
Just keep swimming right?

Today is the anniversary of when my dad passed away 2 years ago.
Sometimes when I see pictures of him or even when I just think about him like he used to be, I think there's no way he could be gone. He's just on another trip and he'll be home soon, like he usually is 3 or so times during the year..
I miss him and it makes me sad because while I think about him a lot sometimes, it feels like its been longer than 2 years that he's been gone and I'm not sure how I feel about that.
I feel entirely too bad for my mom and I know that holds me back some from getting out and doing what I want to. I'm the strong one in the family so I'm there when people need me and she still does.
I know she misses him more than anything and I wish I could talk to her about it, but I'm not good for that. I don't like getting into emotional conversations with my family, it's too much for me, too awkward.

Anyways, we're getting by. I'm helping but I want to get out. I'm giving my mom time and I hope she starts to take more advantage of it. I know she's been thinking about it too, but nothing has really been set into motion at all and that's kind of scary.

My dad was the best. Before he passed away he was in his 60's and still playing sports like volleyball and indoor soccer, which is crazy to think that he was more in shape than me, his 20 year old daughter! I love my dad, he was a great guy.
I will never forget him being there when I graduated from high school and got my AA from college.
I will also never forget him telling me before this day 2 years ago that he was really proud of me...
I know he would still be proud of me too which is what I strive for on a daily basis.

Miss you. RIP Dad.

In the quiet (Before sleep)

It's hard to lose that person you once knew. The person who told you everything and would listen to what you had to say as well. That person you knew everything about, could guess their next move.

When that person leaves, you feel it. It doesn't feel like much in your hands, but you feel it inside of you like something just got ripped away without your consent. A piece of you missing only to get lost in the myriad of other things floating around in the dead space of the world.

What do you do? Do you look for it, that person, or do you just let it go and deal with the fact that it's not going to come back?

Maybe you lost something in yourself and you don't know how to get it back.

I suppose only time will tell.

The mind is a torturous thing to leave unattended for long periods of time.