To Be.

You know when you look outside and you see the trees and you can hear the birds chirping and the world in which nature surrounds you is prevalent?

You look upon it as if you're seeing something different you've never seen before. It's as if you had just begun to see for the first time. That feeling you get when you've been sitting in the dark for too long, but once you step into the light it's almost like rebirth.

The sun shines down into your eyes, blinding, almost hurting, but to the point that you couldn't give a care in this absolutely beautiful world because you're seeing it and feeling it. This feeling, this sight is something you cannot grasp and it's also something that cannot be put into words easily.

I may be describing it but it's not entirely there, it's more just like a fleeting sense of what's happening.
The world is there and it's going, moving without our understanding, we barely see it, but it's still in it's rotation.

So much in this life has to be felt, because if you can't feel it, is it really there.
If you couldn't feel the rain, the droplets falling from the sky onto your skin, would it be raining?
If you couldn't feel your heart flutter, filled with butterflies at the sight of someone you've grown to trust and love, would you in fact be in love?
If you couldn't feel the breeze blowing between the leaves on the trees, rustling your hair away from your shoulders, would the wind actually be blowing?

All of these things we've come to know, we know because of feeling it, knowing it, sometimes seeing it.
You know that feeling you get when you step out into the day, ready and willing to be a part of it, whatever that may be? That feeling that assures you that you are, in fact, alive. That feeling needs to be there, to propel you forward into the days to come. To push you and make you feel what's at your very core, to make you feel exactly what it is that drives you to do what you want to do.

What is it that makes you feel excited to take that step?
What is that feeling you've felt, that strips away every depressive state you've been in before?
Take a deep breath, walk out into the sun, and feel what it is you are.

You are more than just a body and you are more than just where you are and who you surround yourself with. You are a part of this Earth and it feels you more than you could ever imagine to feel it.
Nature encompasses who you are and you have to feel what you're here to do.

Every day brings new light to the world. Every day shares a new feeling.
Feel that brightness cascade down your body and reflect into what you do.

Everyone has the power to be something. Anything. Full of light.
I feel ready, to be.

Life as I Know It

You know what's funny (but not really that funny) is that it took me 24 and a half years to figure out that I need to let go of my stupid un-spontaneous nature and just let go.
I need to let go and do what I want to do.
Life is about more than just letting the world tell you to get a job and do that for the rest of your life, maybe making some good memories along the way, but also wasting away in something you really don't give a shit about.

I am not going to do that anymore. It is decided. While still not entirely spontaneous, I have planned out the rest of my year.
My friends from different states are coming to visit soon and I couldn't be more excited!
Weddings and what not in July, big trip to Thailand after that.
Staying around till our big deadline in October (and saving as much money as I can along the way) and then in November I'm gone.

Happy Birthday to me, I'm leaving the very first part of November to get the hell out of here.
Anywhere has been calling my name for the last 2 years at least and it's finally time to go.
I'm fed up, exhausted, and just plain done with everything that I'm so used to.
Haven't you ever just needed a change? Of scenery, of people, of life.

Nepal is where I have found a great opportunity to volunteer and stay for 3 months. While yes, I will be paying my whole way to be there, in the end it will be entirely worth it for many reasons.
Hopefully after that, Tibet? Maybe...if that works out for next year.
I wish I hadn't been such a terrible person and turned it down while I had the chance for this year, but next year I will be ready if it comes available to me.
I have to move home to my moms and get all my crap together, but once the time hits, I'm outta here.
For awhile I'm hoping.

Kathmandu, I'm coming for you. Be ready, November 2016.

New

My willingness to believe in things is uncanny.
Hope is something I long for in every situation, in every corner of my messy life.

I think everything happens for a reason, whether that reason be because there's a set plan by the works of God or if it's just fate.
Everyone makes choices and has made them to take them and bring them to where they are in their lives today, there's no doubt in my mind about that, I hope there's not in yours.

So I suppose the ultimate question is, where do you want to end up? Where are you going and who do you want to be?

The short, quick answer is, I have no idea. I have places and dreams and hope for the people I want in it, but that's not necessarily where it's going.
I have a wandering mind, a wandering soul, an unquenchable imagination and curiosity. I know what I might want, but that doesn't mean that I am going to get it.

But you get what you put out, in a manner of speaking. Just because you want to be the next president doesn't mean you're going to be by sitting on your couch thinking about it, it takes work and dedication.

(mostly I'm just rambling here, don't mind me)

I guess I'm saying this to remind myself of what needs to be done. To be confident about my actions, to do what I need to to create the life that I want.
A reminder that things aren't always easy, but the work it takes will be worth it in the end.

I may not know exactly what my future holds, but I can try to shape it in the way that I want.
I'm starting on my journey to being better. Being a better me is a good start.
I want to be more myself and that's the first step to the rest of my life, right? I think so.

Confidence, honesty, trust, respect, love, hope, life. It may sound silly, but that's what it's all about.
Throw in a dash (maybe a heaping cup) of adventure and a sprinkle of spontaneity and I'm set.

Life is good if you make it that way and I have a feeling it will be, no matter what.
Be who you are and live life accordingly.
Just a reminder.

It's a relief to feel this way since my life has been a ridiculous mess of emotions lately. Cheers!

Moving on.

Life is all about one thing. Moving on.
We're always moving on from one thing to the next, from one person to another, and from one place across to somewhere else.

I've always been the one waiting, waiting for something that's a potentially great thing. What I don't do is look at what's right in front of my face most of the time, which is what I found out. He's already there.

The waiting game has never been one I like to play and waiting on a guy to actually want me is like waiting for some rain in the desert. Probably not going to happen. I was so blind to not see that I already had what I wanted and needed.

Waiting is not worth it for me anymore, although I'm still entirely confused about my future.
I've decided on the guy, but I haven't decided on where I'm going to go next year.
I want to get away, far away. To live elsewhere for a bit, even though I plan to come back.
I'm just not sure how it's going to work quite yet.
My plans are up in the air, literally, in my head.

The guy I'm planning on may not want to be a part of my outrageous plans to get away.
What if he doesn't?
I'll probably end up a lonely cat lady. Most likely, but hopefully with big cats, like a lion or a tiger.
Guys just don't always fit into my plans and I guess for now at least I can say it was fun for the time being, right?

See, I'm scatterbrained. So much going on at once. Boys, plans, travel, animals, and food. Didn't I say food?

My life is a chaotic whirlwind, mostly inside my head, that nobody knows about.
That's all.
That's it.

Life is crazy and amazing and not always what you expect. That's what I'm planning on I guess, for the unexpected. But I'm always hoping for what I want.
A life of travel and love and animals and food.
That would be ok with me.
But if life is unexpected, it's probably going to be me, alone, traveling, scraping by and doing what I can to live out my life the way I want. Alone.

Life is crazy.

Cheers to yours.

Travel: Journeying from place to place

In all of my life, the one thing (I've been realizing more than anything lately) that I want to do with my life, is travel.
I want to go, to get out, to live and to see.
There's so much here for me, in the Seattle area. Work, friends, family.
But I'm so tired of being here, stuck. I'm tired of being stationary and I want to be mobile.
I think I'm going to have to sign up for a trip every year, if not every other year so that I can get out of here, especially to further off places, that's what I mean.
Next year I'm taking a trip back to Europe, Germany, Italy and Switzerland that I keep getting more and more excited about, although more and more nervous as well.
I'm more nervous because I'll be going with a group of people I don't know and I tend to be a little shy at first.
I know that it will be an amazing thing for me though and everyone I've told so far is entirely jealous, but anyone can do it! I just so happened to have enough courage to sign up and not back out of it.

Anyways.
A part from that, I will travel as much as I can throughout my lifetime.
I want to go to Thailand and be a part and witness the lantern festival.
I want to go to New Zealand to see where Lord of the Rings was filmed.
I want to ride an elephant in Malaysia.
Sit and soak up the beaches in the Bahamas.
See the great ruins of Machu Picchu.
Witness the running of the bulls in Spain.

I just want to go. To see. To hear. To be somewhere else for a little bit.