Life is so full of the unknown.
It's full of questions and halfway answers or none at all.
We are constantly guessing where our lives are going to take us or where we will end up.
Life just loves giving us mixed messages, like messing up the signals your crush is sending you, thinking he's flirting, yet in reality he's just being friendly.
How do we read these messages correctly, how do we get them to be more clear?
Truly, there is no real answer to this, again making this wonderful path we must walk down, even more absurdly difficult.
We must constantly choose, make choices, and be defined by everything we do, even though at some moments, we have no idea whether our choices will end up turning out for the good.
We fall, we get back up and we try again. Falling harder the next time and so on.
I seem to picture my own life lately as a consistent hole I'm trapped in, unable to get out because the walls are too high and I'm just going to end up back down there anyway.
But what I'm seeming to realize, is that it's more about your mindset and how you perceive things.
Yes, not everything is going to be fine and dandy all day every day and yes you're going to feel sad and lonely and vulnerable a lot but that doesn't mean there is no way out.
So instead of just being in a pit, stuck. It's more of being stuck in a pit and all along, there's been a ladder sitting next to you, available for your use if and when you need it. It's up to you to decide whether or not it's what you want.
Do you want to be stuck down in that hole forever or are you going to pull that ladder up and get yourself out.
The hardest part is understanding that you make your destiny, no matter good or bad, lonely or surrounded.
These mixed messages can lead us one way or another, but no matter what we choose, we have to live with it and we have to keep going. It can still be turned around if it was the wrong step down the path, but if you stick with it, you better be ready for some more obstacles. Always.
There will always be obstacles.
Life doesn't end until you do. So live it, live it will, and live it to the best of your ability. That's all you really can do.
Just a reminder. Mostly for myself.
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thoughts. Show all posts
Friday, July 1, 2016
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Can't Sleep.
Settling is not something I'm good at.
While my life has pushed me in many directions, begging for a choice from either myself or someone else to really decide the fate of what's to come, I have never been one to truly want to settle for the mediocrity of how things can be.
Routines, while stable, end up seeming boring and claustrophobic to me in the end, driving me from everything that is comfortable, pushing everything away and especially the people that surround me at that time.
Why should I settle for what's easy, when I know there is so much more out there, so much more that could be better for me?
Settling for me is more than just settling for the right person, it's settling for the circumstances that coincide with that. Settling for the comfort of the environment, the schedules, the mundane lifestyles of the city life that seem to unfold in front of me with ease.
Settling, while it's a part of our human nature, seems to be something that I strive to push away with every ounce of my being when I start to feel it.
The ache to flee, to run from everything that I've grown to know, is overwhelming at times.
How does one break away without hurting everyone else too much?
You can't break away without some collateral damage, especially in the ways of love. Being attached is the ultimate settling and I've done that before, but while my heart wanted to stay, my whole body was itching to leave. My body, involuntarily secluding myself, being absent in my affection towards who I had known before, always made things easier, but at the same time, so much messier.
Life and love, you should never settle for the things that seem too easy, because the things that are most worth it in life are so much harder to grasp, so much more difficult to hold on to. Putting yourself out there, making an effort, being bold, that's what life is about.
People always say follow your passion and sometimes that may not be true, but the thing about it is, sometimes you can't just give up.
You can't settle for what you feel isn't right. Keep searching for those feelings in life that make everything seem like it's in place, where the puzzle is complete.
I am always missing pieces, but I won't give up until I'm all put together. Settling has never been an option for me, so why would I start letting it be now?
While my life has pushed me in many directions, begging for a choice from either myself or someone else to really decide the fate of what's to come, I have never been one to truly want to settle for the mediocrity of how things can be.
Routines, while stable, end up seeming boring and claustrophobic to me in the end, driving me from everything that is comfortable, pushing everything away and especially the people that surround me at that time.
Why should I settle for what's easy, when I know there is so much more out there, so much more that could be better for me?
Settling for me is more than just settling for the right person, it's settling for the circumstances that coincide with that. Settling for the comfort of the environment, the schedules, the mundane lifestyles of the city life that seem to unfold in front of me with ease.
Settling, while it's a part of our human nature, seems to be something that I strive to push away with every ounce of my being when I start to feel it.
The ache to flee, to run from everything that I've grown to know, is overwhelming at times.
How does one break away without hurting everyone else too much?
You can't break away without some collateral damage, especially in the ways of love. Being attached is the ultimate settling and I've done that before, but while my heart wanted to stay, my whole body was itching to leave. My body, involuntarily secluding myself, being absent in my affection towards who I had known before, always made things easier, but at the same time, so much messier.
Life and love, you should never settle for the things that seem too easy, because the things that are most worth it in life are so much harder to grasp, so much more difficult to hold on to. Putting yourself out there, making an effort, being bold, that's what life is about.
People always say follow your passion and sometimes that may not be true, but the thing about it is, sometimes you can't just give up.
You can't settle for what you feel isn't right. Keep searching for those feelings in life that make everything seem like it's in place, where the puzzle is complete.
I am always missing pieces, but I won't give up until I'm all put together. Settling has never been an option for me, so why would I start letting it be now?
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
To Be.
You know when you look outside and you see the trees and you can hear the birds chirping and the world in which nature surrounds you is prevalent?
You look upon it as if you're seeing something different you've never seen before. It's as if you had just begun to see for the first time. That feeling you get when you've been sitting in the dark for too long, but once you step into the light it's almost like rebirth.
The sun shines down into your eyes, blinding, almost hurting, but to the point that you couldn't give a care in this absolutely beautiful world because you're seeing it and feeling it. This feeling, this sight is something you cannot grasp and it's also something that cannot be put into words easily.
I may be describing it but it's not entirely there, it's more just like a fleeting sense of what's happening.
The world is there and it's going, moving without our understanding, we barely see it, but it's still in it's rotation.
So much in this life has to be felt, because if you can't feel it, is it really there.
If you couldn't feel the rain, the droplets falling from the sky onto your skin, would it be raining?
If you couldn't feel your heart flutter, filled with butterflies at the sight of someone you've grown to trust and love, would you in fact be in love?
If you couldn't feel the breeze blowing between the leaves on the trees, rustling your hair away from your shoulders, would the wind actually be blowing?
All of these things we've come to know, we know because of feeling it, knowing it, sometimes seeing it.
You know that feeling you get when you step out into the day, ready and willing to be a part of it, whatever that may be? That feeling that assures you that you are, in fact, alive. That feeling needs to be there, to propel you forward into the days to come. To push you and make you feel what's at your very core, to make you feel exactly what it is that drives you to do what you want to do.
What is it that makes you feel excited to take that step?
What is that feeling you've felt, that strips away every depressive state you've been in before?
Take a deep breath, walk out into the sun, and feel what it is you are.
You are more than just a body and you are more than just where you are and who you surround yourself with. You are a part of this Earth and it feels you more than you could ever imagine to feel it.
Nature encompasses who you are and you have to feel what you're here to do.
Every day brings new light to the world. Every day shares a new feeling.
Feel that brightness cascade down your body and reflect into what you do.
Everyone has the power to be something. Anything. Full of light.
I feel ready, to be.
You look upon it as if you're seeing something different you've never seen before. It's as if you had just begun to see for the first time. That feeling you get when you've been sitting in the dark for too long, but once you step into the light it's almost like rebirth.
The sun shines down into your eyes, blinding, almost hurting, but to the point that you couldn't give a care in this absolutely beautiful world because you're seeing it and feeling it. This feeling, this sight is something you cannot grasp and it's also something that cannot be put into words easily.
I may be describing it but it's not entirely there, it's more just like a fleeting sense of what's happening.
The world is there and it's going, moving without our understanding, we barely see it, but it's still in it's rotation.
So much in this life has to be felt, because if you can't feel it, is it really there.
If you couldn't feel the rain, the droplets falling from the sky onto your skin, would it be raining?
If you couldn't feel your heart flutter, filled with butterflies at the sight of someone you've grown to trust and love, would you in fact be in love?
If you couldn't feel the breeze blowing between the leaves on the trees, rustling your hair away from your shoulders, would the wind actually be blowing?
All of these things we've come to know, we know because of feeling it, knowing it, sometimes seeing it.
You know that feeling you get when you step out into the day, ready and willing to be a part of it, whatever that may be? That feeling that assures you that you are, in fact, alive. That feeling needs to be there, to propel you forward into the days to come. To push you and make you feel what's at your very core, to make you feel exactly what it is that drives you to do what you want to do.
What is it that makes you feel excited to take that step?
What is that feeling you've felt, that strips away every depressive state you've been in before?
Take a deep breath, walk out into the sun, and feel what it is you are.
You are more than just a body and you are more than just where you are and who you surround yourself with. You are a part of this Earth and it feels you more than you could ever imagine to feel it.
Nature encompasses who you are and you have to feel what you're here to do.
Every day brings new light to the world. Every day shares a new feeling.
Feel that brightness cascade down your body and reflect into what you do.
Everyone has the power to be something. Anything. Full of light.
I feel ready, to be.
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
New
My willingness to believe in things is uncanny.
Hope is something I long for in every situation, in every corner of my messy life.
I think everything happens for a reason, whether that reason be because there's a set plan by the works of God or if it's just fate.
Everyone makes choices and has made them to take them and bring them to where they are in their lives today, there's no doubt in my mind about that, I hope there's not in yours.
So I suppose the ultimate question is, where do you want to end up? Where are you going and who do you want to be?
The short, quick answer is, I have no idea. I have places and dreams and hope for the people I want in it, but that's not necessarily where it's going.
I have a wandering mind, a wandering soul, an unquenchable imagination and curiosity. I know what I might want, but that doesn't mean that I am going to get it.
But you get what you put out, in a manner of speaking. Just because you want to be the next president doesn't mean you're going to be by sitting on your couch thinking about it, it takes work and dedication.
(mostly I'm just rambling here, don't mind me)
I guess I'm saying this to remind myself of what needs to be done. To be confident about my actions, to do what I need to to create the life that I want.
A reminder that things aren't always easy, but the work it takes will be worth it in the end.
I may not know exactly what my future holds, but I can try to shape it in the way that I want.
I'm starting on my journey to being better. Being a better me is a good start.
I want to be more myself and that's the first step to the rest of my life, right? I think so.
Confidence, honesty, trust, respect, love, hope, life. It may sound silly, but that's what it's all about.
Throw in a dash (maybe a heaping cup) of adventure and a sprinkle of spontaneity and I'm set.
Life is good if you make it that way and I have a feeling it will be, no matter what.
Be who you are and live life accordingly.
Just a reminder.
It's a relief to feel this way since my life has been a ridiculous mess of emotions lately. Cheers!
Hope is something I long for in every situation, in every corner of my messy life.
I think everything happens for a reason, whether that reason be because there's a set plan by the works of God or if it's just fate.
Everyone makes choices and has made them to take them and bring them to where they are in their lives today, there's no doubt in my mind about that, I hope there's not in yours.
So I suppose the ultimate question is, where do you want to end up? Where are you going and who do you want to be?
The short, quick answer is, I have no idea. I have places and dreams and hope for the people I want in it, but that's not necessarily where it's going.
I have a wandering mind, a wandering soul, an unquenchable imagination and curiosity. I know what I might want, but that doesn't mean that I am going to get it.
But you get what you put out, in a manner of speaking. Just because you want to be the next president doesn't mean you're going to be by sitting on your couch thinking about it, it takes work and dedication.
(mostly I'm just rambling here, don't mind me)
I guess I'm saying this to remind myself of what needs to be done. To be confident about my actions, to do what I need to to create the life that I want.
A reminder that things aren't always easy, but the work it takes will be worth it in the end.
I may not know exactly what my future holds, but I can try to shape it in the way that I want.
I'm starting on my journey to being better. Being a better me is a good start.
I want to be more myself and that's the first step to the rest of my life, right? I think so.
Confidence, honesty, trust, respect, love, hope, life. It may sound silly, but that's what it's all about.
Throw in a dash (maybe a heaping cup) of adventure and a sprinkle of spontaneity and I'm set.
Life is good if you make it that way and I have a feeling it will be, no matter what.
Be who you are and live life accordingly.
Just a reminder.
It's a relief to feel this way since my life has been a ridiculous mess of emotions lately. Cheers!
Thursday, January 28, 2016
What a Tangled Web I Weave
Love isn't like a movie.
It's never going to be.
I can replay every detail of something back to myself, like I'm watching a movie, but trust me, there will be no happy ending.
I'm mad.
I'm mad because I know I messed up. I know, because I feel it every single day. I feel it every time I see him and I feel it when I get home at night and I have nothing but my thoughts and my emotions to fill me full of madness.
I'm mad because that's not love. You don't give up on someone you love just because things get hard.
Love might be easy, but relationships are not. They take work by both people. I was pushing away, but maybe I needed help to be reeled back in, not thrown out to sea with the sharks.
I don't know why I have to be so scared about my future. I don't know why I have to be so scared when things get too serious.
I don't want to get hurt, but I ended up hurting myself way more than I thought would happen.
I broke my own heart because it took me away from someone who meant so much to me.
It's sad really. It's sad that one persons struggles can end such a good thing.
Yes, I struggle with my affection and emotions. It's a thing I deal with on a regular basis.
But you know what's even more sad, is that I was willing to deal with all of his, every one. The anxiety, the potential for depression, the ADD. But my struggles are too real, too hard to deal with.
You know, that's the thing I say when there's someone I don't want to go out with, how I talk myself out of dating people. Because I'm sure they can't handle me. I'm too strong willed, stubborn, and emotionless to be romantic or a good girlfriend.
The saddest part is that I've heard similar things like that before (during my longest relationship). I guess it's why I tell myself that a lot now.
"No one else will want to put up with you"
"You're lucky I'm with you"
"If I can't handle you, you'll never find someone else"
And so on and so on.
I know that it's not true, but it's hard to keep that in mind when everything starts to replay like that.
I want love so bad that I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid to give my whole self because I may not get it all back.
My heart is always hurting. I've lost and I've lost and I'm just here, fighting to keep my sanity in all of this.
My words are jumbled, sometimes contradicting. Sometimes, I honestly don't know how I feel.
I am a mess, but that doesn't mean I can't do better.
Be better.
When I love, I love with all of my heart, whether I show it or not. I show my love in different ways because sometimes, my brain works against my heart.
Saying 'I love you' means the world to me and that's why I don't say it often. I don't want to overuse such important words.
My love is a little bit different, until I learn to trust you with my entire heart. But that doesn't mean it's bad, love is love. I have gotten my heart broken multiple times and I know I need to start to realize that even so, I do deserve the love that I want.
Sometimes I'm afraid I don't deserve the love I desire. Don't ask me why, it's how it goes.
But I do. I deserve someone that's always there, that's willing to love me through it all, despite my shortcomings. Despite my complexities. I have flaws, but so does everyone.
Here it is. Here is me.
Let's get it out in the open and just say, I don't think I want to have kids, for multiple reasons. I just don't see it in the cards for me. I don't find enjoyment being around babies, it's not my thing.
I love animals and sometimes it will seem like I love them more than anythings else. Animals, dogs especially, love you unconditionally. They can't talk back and they're entirely too cute for their own good. Just know that my love for animals comes and goes between species and yes, I will always be fascinated by them.
I love fashion, although my wardrobe may say otherwise. I will always take comfy over stylish, because I know I can't walk in heels for more than an hour and some things are just too cold for Seattle weather.
I like to help people, not just because it is right, but because sometimes people need to be helped and that's ok.
On the other side, I can be very judgmental and critical of things, although I may not always say it. My thoughts are not always meant for the outside world.
Travel is a passion of mine that needs to be put into action at least a couple times a year, otherwise I grow increasingly claustrophobic. The mundane lifestyle I can't live for too long without a nice break.
My friends are important to me, but my family is more so. My friends aren't always there for me, although I will always be there for them. I don't know why that's an ok equation, but I try my best to be a good friend and that includes being honest about how I feel in almost all situations.
I can have fun doing just about anything and I like trying new things, food, places, etc. I'm not entirely risky though, so bungee jumping and skydiving are not on my list.
I'm tough on the outside, because I've needed to be, but my inside is entirely soft. I get hurt more than you think with even little things, but I try not to let them bug me.
I smile a lot, not just because I'm happy but because I want other people to be too, even if I am not.
I am not a good cook. I have to read recipes or make the simplest of things for it to come out properly. I'm great at undercooking or overcooking things. I do like to bake though.
I want my life to be full of happiness, even though it seems I have not found it yet.
I just want to feel happy and I don't want to settle for something that won't make me that way.
I'm stressed, sad, and upset. I've lost my supposed 'soulmate' but I guess there will be another one out there somewhere.
If anything, I'll just adopt a lot of cats and dogs (not hoarding!) and live my life that way.
I'm the only one who can make myself happy.
I've done a good job at messing that one up so far... but I'll keep trying.
This post is way too long, but I'm not going to be silly people making movies and put it into 2 parts.
Fuck that.
Cheers.
It's never going to be.
I can replay every detail of something back to myself, like I'm watching a movie, but trust me, there will be no happy ending.
I'm mad.
I'm mad because I know I messed up. I know, because I feel it every single day. I feel it every time I see him and I feel it when I get home at night and I have nothing but my thoughts and my emotions to fill me full of madness.
I'm mad because that's not love. You don't give up on someone you love just because things get hard.
Love might be easy, but relationships are not. They take work by both people. I was pushing away, but maybe I needed help to be reeled back in, not thrown out to sea with the sharks.
I don't know why I have to be so scared about my future. I don't know why I have to be so scared when things get too serious.
I don't want to get hurt, but I ended up hurting myself way more than I thought would happen.
I broke my own heart because it took me away from someone who meant so much to me.
It's sad really. It's sad that one persons struggles can end such a good thing.
Yes, I struggle with my affection and emotions. It's a thing I deal with on a regular basis.
But you know what's even more sad, is that I was willing to deal with all of his, every one. The anxiety, the potential for depression, the ADD. But my struggles are too real, too hard to deal with.
You know, that's the thing I say when there's someone I don't want to go out with, how I talk myself out of dating people. Because I'm sure they can't handle me. I'm too strong willed, stubborn, and emotionless to be romantic or a good girlfriend.
The saddest part is that I've heard similar things like that before (during my longest relationship). I guess it's why I tell myself that a lot now.
"No one else will want to put up with you"
"You're lucky I'm with you"
"If I can't handle you, you'll never find someone else"
And so on and so on.
I know that it's not true, but it's hard to keep that in mind when everything starts to replay like that.
I want love so bad that I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid to give my whole self because I may not get it all back.
My heart is always hurting. I've lost and I've lost and I'm just here, fighting to keep my sanity in all of this.
My words are jumbled, sometimes contradicting. Sometimes, I honestly don't know how I feel.
I am a mess, but that doesn't mean I can't do better.
Be better.
When I love, I love with all of my heart, whether I show it or not. I show my love in different ways because sometimes, my brain works against my heart.
Saying 'I love you' means the world to me and that's why I don't say it often. I don't want to overuse such important words.
My love is a little bit different, until I learn to trust you with my entire heart. But that doesn't mean it's bad, love is love. I have gotten my heart broken multiple times and I know I need to start to realize that even so, I do deserve the love that I want.
Sometimes I'm afraid I don't deserve the love I desire. Don't ask me why, it's how it goes.
But I do. I deserve someone that's always there, that's willing to love me through it all, despite my shortcomings. Despite my complexities. I have flaws, but so does everyone.
Here it is. Here is me.
Let's get it out in the open and just say, I don't think I want to have kids, for multiple reasons. I just don't see it in the cards for me. I don't find enjoyment being around babies, it's not my thing.
I love animals and sometimes it will seem like I love them more than anythings else. Animals, dogs especially, love you unconditionally. They can't talk back and they're entirely too cute for their own good. Just know that my love for animals comes and goes between species and yes, I will always be fascinated by them.
I love fashion, although my wardrobe may say otherwise. I will always take comfy over stylish, because I know I can't walk in heels for more than an hour and some things are just too cold for Seattle weather.
I like to help people, not just because it is right, but because sometimes people need to be helped and that's ok.
On the other side, I can be very judgmental and critical of things, although I may not always say it. My thoughts are not always meant for the outside world.
Travel is a passion of mine that needs to be put into action at least a couple times a year, otherwise I grow increasingly claustrophobic. The mundane lifestyle I can't live for too long without a nice break.
My friends are important to me, but my family is more so. My friends aren't always there for me, although I will always be there for them. I don't know why that's an ok equation, but I try my best to be a good friend and that includes being honest about how I feel in almost all situations.
I can have fun doing just about anything and I like trying new things, food, places, etc. I'm not entirely risky though, so bungee jumping and skydiving are not on my list.
I'm tough on the outside, because I've needed to be, but my inside is entirely soft. I get hurt more than you think with even little things, but I try not to let them bug me.
I smile a lot, not just because I'm happy but because I want other people to be too, even if I am not.
I am not a good cook. I have to read recipes or make the simplest of things for it to come out properly. I'm great at undercooking or overcooking things. I do like to bake though.
I want my life to be full of happiness, even though it seems I have not found it yet.
I just want to feel happy and I don't want to settle for something that won't make me that way.
I'm stressed, sad, and upset. I've lost my supposed 'soulmate' but I guess there will be another one out there somewhere.
If anything, I'll just adopt a lot of cats and dogs (not hoarding!) and live my life that way.
I'm the only one who can make myself happy.
I've done a good job at messing that one up so far... but I'll keep trying.
This post is way too long, but I'm not going to be silly people making movies and put it into 2 parts.
Fuck that.
Cheers.
Wednesday, July 15, 2015
Post realization.
Realizing you may have made a horrible choice, well, that's life.
I'm not the smartest when it comes to relationships and usually I don't get the miracle of a brain epiphany till it's too late.
When it comes to being in a relationship, I'm scared out of my mind. Many factors have played into this over the years to where it makes sense, but I'm so annoyed that it's still screwing up my mind in how I think about things.
Here is the quick back story: I was in a relationship on and off for 8 years, which is a long time by that couple standard. He eventually ended it "for me" when we all know he was done and wanted to move on (with one of his coworkers).
I don't have a lot of room for trust in relationships and after this critical breakup, I realized I had been living my life and planning it around him.
He was the center of MY life, not me. I was giving up a lot of my life dreams and goals because I was with someone with no motivation in life.
So ultimately, I got over it and I was glad we weren't together anymore. I grew up, I moved and got a better job.
Fast forward to now. I was in a great relationship, with fun adventures and open communication.
So why did I decide I wanted to end things?
In all honesty, thinking about it the day after, I don't know.
I was scared. I was scared of giving up my dreams again. I was scared he wouldn't want to go with me and I didn't want to drag him around on my dream if it wasn't his.
I didn't want to be stuck here, waiting for things to happen if they weren't. I was afraid to love because I'd been hurt so many times before.
I wasn't able to open up because trust is such an important part of a relationship and I wasn't ready to relinquish my hold on my heart and my emotions. I'm still putting back together the pieces of my heart, even though I'm over my ex I don't know that I'm ready yet to do that.
I wasn't ready to be vulnerable. I'm a strong person and I want that to show in every aspect of me, so it's really hard for me to let my guard down and just let someone in.
It was my fault. I started pulling away because things were getting too serious. I wouldn't let myself be too affectionate and I wouldn't let myself love him, because who knew where this was going to go.
I thought I had wanted to be alone when in reality, I just didn't want to get hurt...again.
I still want to get away and pursue my dreams and goals. To move away and to travel all that I can.
I just wasn't sure if I wanted him to come with me. I thought deciding to go on my own would make things easier. I didn't realize how much I cared until I pulled the plug.
I cared a lot more than I thought. Maybe I even do love him but I wasn't willing to admit it.
I honestly don't know what I think anymore. Confusion has been a never ending thing for me lately.
Just keep swimming right?
I'm not the smartest when it comes to relationships and usually I don't get the miracle of a brain epiphany till it's too late.
When it comes to being in a relationship, I'm scared out of my mind. Many factors have played into this over the years to where it makes sense, but I'm so annoyed that it's still screwing up my mind in how I think about things.
Here is the quick back story: I was in a relationship on and off for 8 years, which is a long time by that couple standard. He eventually ended it "for me" when we all know he was done and wanted to move on (with one of his coworkers).
I don't have a lot of room for trust in relationships and after this critical breakup, I realized I had been living my life and planning it around him.
He was the center of MY life, not me. I was giving up a lot of my life dreams and goals because I was with someone with no motivation in life.
So ultimately, I got over it and I was glad we weren't together anymore. I grew up, I moved and got a better job.
Fast forward to now. I was in a great relationship, with fun adventures and open communication.
So why did I decide I wanted to end things?
In all honesty, thinking about it the day after, I don't know.
I was scared. I was scared of giving up my dreams again. I was scared he wouldn't want to go with me and I didn't want to drag him around on my dream if it wasn't his.
I didn't want to be stuck here, waiting for things to happen if they weren't. I was afraid to love because I'd been hurt so many times before.
I wasn't able to open up because trust is such an important part of a relationship and I wasn't ready to relinquish my hold on my heart and my emotions. I'm still putting back together the pieces of my heart, even though I'm over my ex I don't know that I'm ready yet to do that.
I wasn't ready to be vulnerable. I'm a strong person and I want that to show in every aspect of me, so it's really hard for me to let my guard down and just let someone in.
It was my fault. I started pulling away because things were getting too serious. I wouldn't let myself be too affectionate and I wouldn't let myself love him, because who knew where this was going to go.
I thought I had wanted to be alone when in reality, I just didn't want to get hurt...again.
I still want to get away and pursue my dreams and goals. To move away and to travel all that I can.
I just wasn't sure if I wanted him to come with me. I thought deciding to go on my own would make things easier. I didn't realize how much I cared until I pulled the plug.
I cared a lot more than I thought. Maybe I even do love him but I wasn't willing to admit it.
I honestly don't know what I think anymore. Confusion has been a never ending thing for me lately.
Just keep swimming right?
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