What a Tangled Web I Weave

Love isn't like a movie.
It's never going to be.

I can replay every detail of something back to myself, like I'm watching a movie, but trust me, there will be no happy ending.

I'm mad.
I'm mad because I know I messed up. I know, because I feel it every single day. I feel it every time I see him and I feel it when I get home at night and I have nothing but my thoughts and my emotions to fill me full of madness.

I'm mad because that's not love. You don't give up on someone you love just because things get hard.
Love might be easy, but relationships are not. They take work by both people. I was pushing away, but maybe I needed help to be reeled back in, not thrown out to sea with the sharks.

I don't know why I have to be so scared about my future. I don't know why I have to be so scared when things get too serious.
I don't want to get hurt, but I ended up hurting myself way more than I thought would happen.
I broke my own heart because it took me away from someone who meant so much to me.

It's sad really. It's sad that one persons struggles can end such a good thing.
Yes, I struggle with my affection and emotions. It's a thing I deal with on a regular basis.
But you know what's even more sad, is that I was willing to deal with all of his, every one. The anxiety, the potential for depression, the ADD. But my struggles are too real, too hard to deal with.

You know, that's the thing I say when there's someone I don't want to go out with, how I talk myself out of dating people. Because I'm sure they can't handle me. I'm too strong willed, stubborn, and emotionless to be romantic or a good girlfriend.

The saddest part is that I've heard similar things like that before (during my longest relationship). I guess it's why I tell myself that a lot now.
"No one else will want to put up with you"
"You're lucky I'm with you"
"If I can't handle you, you'll never find someone else"

And so on and so on.
I know that it's not true, but it's hard to keep that in mind when everything starts to replay like that.
I want love so bad that I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid to give my whole self because I may not get it all back.
My heart is always hurting. I've lost and I've lost and I'm just here, fighting to keep my sanity in all of this.

My words are jumbled, sometimes contradicting. Sometimes, I honestly don't know how I feel.
I am a mess, but that doesn't mean I can't do better.
Be better.

When I love, I love with all of my heart, whether I show it or not. I show my love in different ways because sometimes, my brain works against my heart.
Saying 'I love you' means the world to me and that's why I don't say it often. I don't want to overuse such important words.
My love is a little bit different, until I learn to trust you with my entire heart. But that doesn't mean it's bad, love is love. I have gotten my heart broken multiple times and I know I need to start to realize that even so, I do deserve the love that I want.

Sometimes I'm afraid I don't deserve the love I desire. Don't ask me why, it's how it goes.
But I do. I deserve someone that's always there, that's willing to love me through it all, despite my shortcomings. Despite my complexities. I have flaws, but so does everyone.

Here it is. Here is me.
Let's get it out in the open and just say, I don't think I want to have kids, for multiple reasons. I just don't see it in the cards for me. I don't find enjoyment being around babies, it's not my thing.
I love animals and sometimes it will seem like I love them more than anythings else. Animals, dogs especially, love you unconditionally. They can't talk back and they're entirely too cute for their own good. Just know that my love for animals comes and goes between species and yes, I will always be fascinated by them.
I love fashion, although my wardrobe may say otherwise. I will always take comfy over stylish, because I know I can't walk in heels for more than an hour and some things are just too cold for Seattle weather.
I like to help people, not just because it is right, but because sometimes people need to be helped and that's ok.
On the other side, I can be very judgmental and critical of things, although I may not always say it. My thoughts are not always meant for the outside world.
Travel is a passion of mine that needs to be put into action at least a couple times a year, otherwise I grow increasingly claustrophobic. The mundane lifestyle I can't live for too long without a nice break.
My friends are important to me, but my family is more so. My friends aren't always there for me, although I will always be there for them. I don't know why that's an ok equation, but I try my best to be a good friend and that includes being honest about how I feel in almost all situations.
I can have fun doing just about anything and I like trying new things, food, places, etc. I'm not entirely risky though, so bungee jumping and skydiving are not on my list.
I'm tough on the outside, because I've needed to be, but my inside is entirely soft. I get hurt more than you think with even little things, but I try not to let them bug me.
I smile a lot, not just because I'm happy but because I want other people to be too, even if I am not.
I am not a good cook. I have to read recipes or make the simplest of things for it to come out properly. I'm great at undercooking or overcooking things. I do like to bake though.

I want my life to be full of happiness, even though it seems I have not found it yet.
I just want to feel happy and I don't want to settle for something that won't make me that way.

I'm stressed, sad, and upset. I've lost my supposed 'soulmate' but I guess there will be another one out there somewhere.
If anything, I'll just adopt a lot of cats and dogs (not hoarding!) and live my life that way.
I'm the only one who can make myself happy.
I've done a good job at messing that one up so far... but I'll keep trying.

This post is way too long, but I'm not going to be silly people making movies and put it into 2 parts.
Fuck that.

Cheers.