This is for You.

This is for you, because I know I speak better through the things that I can write down.
I've gotten better with it even through the last year, even though my actual talking it out can be a struggle.
I also know you may not care at all and this is probably also going to be somewhat confusing, but here it goes.

I'm sorry.
Plain and simple, to the point. That's how I feel.
Most of the time, I don't even know how to explain what I'm thinking or feeling to anyone, let alone myself because it's all just so confusing and usually overwhelming.
I love too much and it hurts that I struggle to show it. Every time when I think about things I want to do or say, I can't. Sometimes I can make myself blurt something out, but it's not necessarily how I really feel, it's just words flowing out of me for the sake of talking and contributing.
It's ridiculous and there's no way you can know how it feels to have it be like that.

Here's where my affection turns to none. Because my internal struggle is beating me up inside, nothing is able to come out. Is that anxiety? Is that an insecurity? I have no idea.
Again, sometimes I can make myself do things, but most of the time it ends up being silly and not what I wanted.

I'm not a confident person in love.
I'm good at being a girlfriend, being committed, but I'm bad at the affection.
I read an article recently about emotional abuse.. which in all reality, sounds like my last relationship.
(Here) Also, this one has important info too (Here)
It makes it hard to love properly when all I could do before was slip into myself when something bad was happening. Getting quiet, no touching, being still.
You're nothing like anyone I've dated. Better, really. But that doesn't make it any easier for me, sadly. Which makes it hard on you.. hard to deal with.

Sometimes all I want to do is hug you. For a very long time. I try to be as strong as possible, emotions make me feel kind of weak, in a way. Vulnerable. I don't like feeling like that.

Our casual way to go about starting our relationship had lasting effects on how the rest of it went. I think that made it hard too.
I wasn't always open with you about things I wanted to do because I had a feeling it wasn't want you would want. Traveling mostly.
Thailand is great, but you know I wanted to get away for longer. Slowly I'm accepting being here, but I may have an opportunity to leave sooner than I thought..waiting on an answer for that. And you said you didn't want to do long distance. Which also made me not want to tell you and also made me pull away from you.

Communication is key in every relationship and I thought we were doing so good at it. Planning our separate lives and not necessarily melding them together made it hard on us. I felt like we were living in the moment, of course we were, but we weren't necessarily planning our future together at all.

I'm sorry this is such a mixed up bag of everything I've been thinking about lately.
I feel dumb when I don't exactly know what I feel.
I feel even dumber when I know how I feel but can't get the words out.

I love you. I didn't want to break up. Maybe it is for the best, but love is a choice and I chose to love you, which makes it even harder to let it go. I dropped the ball. I know.

I'm always the one to keep fighting for what I want and maybe that's a sign that I'm doing something wrong, especially when the other person doesn't seem to give a shit about what's going on.
This was supposed to be easy, right. No tears, no problem.
It was fine the first week, time was nice, everyone needs a break sometimes. I feel like I just need a breather every once in awhile. It also helped me to gather my thoughts and understand that I'm not ok with it.

But I guess if someone's not fighting to keep you, that's it.
That says it all doesn't it.
I get it though.

I can't be friends because I don't want to be. It's all or nothing for me, sadly. Because when I love someone, there's no way in hell being friends will be a fun time.
I don't want anyone else. I don't want to hear about you with anyone else. But it'll get easier. It always does. So here we are, I'm trying to make peace with it.
Bad timing? Maybe. Not meant to be? I guess.

I'm writing nonsense now because I'm coming down from my adrenaline induced writing high.
If you want to know more about how I feel, read my previous nonsensical posts. That may shine more light. Even go to my Tumblr. See everything.
I don't care.

My thought process is ridiculous.
I've been updating this and almost unpublishing it a billion times now.