To Have Loved?

What happens when you're the one person who's standing in the way of your own happiness?
What do you do?

How do you cope with the fact that you push away everything you've wanted and probably need, just because you don't know where it's going or what you're doing with your life?

Confused yet? I am.
I seem to have a conflicted mind and heart, fighting eternally for what they want and never meeting in the middle for what might be best for all.
Doesn't it suck when you can't even tell whether it's your head or your emotions making the decisions?
I have been struggling with that lately. It's an impossible itch to scratch when your thoughts and feelings intermingle and make your internal confusion process out loud and screw everything up.

Being alone has been the only way to start to sort out what I think I might want, in reality. But it the end, it still seems so difficult to decipher.

Love. What even is love if not a figment of my own imagination? I tend to be hard to love, hard on myself for loving, and never sure what I actually want out of that kind of relationship.

Here again, is where my head and my heart don't quite see eye to eye. Love is easy, until it's not.

Let's just say, I have no idea what I'm doing. I hide my true feelings so that it doesn't hurt so much in the end, because for the most part, that seems to be the inevitability for me. I'm always sitting in my inevitable relationship downfall. Which of course means, that yes, it's going to end.

Love can be hard, but why do I have to make it so much harder on myself. Why can't I just love and have that be ok?
Why does it have to be over to make me understand what I just lost and what I'm not ever going to get back?

To have love and lost is one thing, but to have loved and lost because you were a complete and total idiot and shouldn't have been pushing people way is another thing.

I'm the total and complete idiot by the way.
That's me.
Over here.
I ruined things again. Maybe it is all my fault. But I guess if it's that easy to let me go, it wasn't going to work out anyway right? Who knows. I don't.