Post realization.

Realizing you may have made a horrible choice, well, that's life.
I'm not the smartest when it comes to relationships and usually I don't get the miracle of a brain epiphany till it's too late.

When it comes to being in a relationship, I'm scared out of my mind. Many factors have played into this over the years to where it makes sense, but I'm so annoyed that it's still screwing up my mind in how I think about things.

Here is the quick back story: I was in a relationship on and off for 8 years, which is a long time by that couple standard. He eventually ended it "for me" when we all know he was done and wanted to move on (with one of his coworkers).
I don't have a lot of room for trust in relationships and after this critical breakup, I realized I had been living my life and planning it around him.
He was the center of MY life, not me. I was giving up a lot of my life dreams and goals because I was with someone with no motivation in life.
So ultimately, I got over it and I was glad we weren't together anymore. I grew up, I moved and got a better job.

Fast forward to now. I was in a great relationship, with fun adventures and open communication.
So why did I decide I wanted to end things?
In all honesty, thinking about it the day after, I don't know.

I was scared. I was scared of giving up my dreams again. I was scared he wouldn't want to go with me and I didn't want to drag him around on my dream if it wasn't his.
I didn't want to be stuck here, waiting for things to happen if they weren't. I was afraid to love because I'd been hurt so many times before.
I wasn't able to open up because trust is such an important part of a relationship and I wasn't ready to relinquish my hold on my heart and my emotions. I'm still putting back together the pieces of my heart, even though I'm over my ex I don't know that I'm ready yet to do that.
I wasn't ready to be vulnerable. I'm a strong person and I want that to show in every aspect of me, so it's really hard for me to let my guard down and just let someone in.

It was my fault. I started pulling away because things were getting too serious. I wouldn't let myself be too affectionate and I wouldn't let myself love him, because who knew where this was going to go.

I thought I had wanted to be alone when in reality, I just didn't want to get hurt...again.
I still want to get away and pursue my dreams and goals. To move away and to travel all that I can.
I just wasn't sure if I wanted him to come with me. I thought deciding to go on my own would make things easier. I didn't realize how much I cared until I pulled the plug.

I cared a lot more than I thought. Maybe I even do love him but I wasn't willing to admit it.

I honestly don't know what I think anymore. Confusion has been a never ending thing for me lately.
Just keep swimming right?