Can't Sleep.

Settling is not something I'm good at.
While my life has pushed me in many directions, begging for a choice from either myself or someone else to really decide the fate of what's to come, I have never been one to truly want to settle for the mediocrity of how things can be.
Routines, while stable, end up seeming boring and claustrophobic to me in the end, driving me from everything that is comfortable, pushing everything away and especially the people that surround me at that time.

Why should I settle for what's easy, when I know there is so much more out there, so much more that could be better for me?
Settling for me is more than just settling for the right person, it's settling for the circumstances that coincide with that. Settling for the comfort of the environment, the schedules, the mundane lifestyles of the city life that seem to unfold in front of me with ease.
Settling, while it's a part of our human nature, seems to be something that I strive to push away with every ounce of my being when I start to feel it.

The ache to flee, to run from everything that I've grown to know, is overwhelming at times.
How does one break away without hurting everyone else too much?
You can't break away without some collateral damage, especially in the ways of love. Being attached is the ultimate settling and I've done that before, but while my heart wanted to stay, my whole body was itching to leave. My body, involuntarily secluding myself, being absent in my affection towards who I had known before, always made things easier, but at the same time, so much messier.

Life and love, you should never settle for the things that seem too easy, because the things that are most worth it in life are so much harder to grasp, so much more difficult to hold on to. Putting yourself out there, making an effort, being bold, that's what life is about.
People always say follow your passion and sometimes that may not be true, but the thing about it is, sometimes you can't just give up.
You can't settle for what you feel isn't right. Keep searching for those feelings in life that make everything seem like it's in place, where the puzzle is complete.

I am always missing pieces, but I won't give up until I'm all put together. Settling has never been an option for me, so why would I start letting it be now?

Life as I Know It

You know what's funny (but not really that funny) is that it took me 24 and a half years to figure out that I need to let go of my stupid un-spontaneous nature and just let go.
I need to let go and do what I want to do.
Life is about more than just letting the world tell you to get a job and do that for the rest of your life, maybe making some good memories along the way, but also wasting away in something you really don't give a shit about.

I am not going to do that anymore. It is decided. While still not entirely spontaneous, I have planned out the rest of my year.
My friends from different states are coming to visit soon and I couldn't be more excited!
Weddings and what not in July, big trip to Thailand after that.
Staying around till our big deadline in October (and saving as much money as I can along the way) and then in November I'm gone.

Happy Birthday to me, I'm leaving the very first part of November to get the hell out of here.
Anywhere has been calling my name for the last 2 years at least and it's finally time to go.
I'm fed up, exhausted, and just plain done with everything that I'm so used to.
Haven't you ever just needed a change? Of scenery, of people, of life.

Nepal is where I have found a great opportunity to volunteer and stay for 3 months. While yes, I will be paying my whole way to be there, in the end it will be entirely worth it for many reasons.
Hopefully after that, Tibet? Maybe...if that works out for next year.
I wish I hadn't been such a terrible person and turned it down while I had the chance for this year, but next year I will be ready if it comes available to me.
I have to move home to my moms and get all my crap together, but once the time hits, I'm outta here.
For awhile I'm hoping.

Kathmandu, I'm coming for you. Be ready, November 2016.

Moving on.

Life is all about one thing. Moving on.
We're always moving on from one thing to the next, from one person to another, and from one place across to somewhere else.

I've always been the one waiting, waiting for something that's a potentially great thing. What I don't do is look at what's right in front of my face most of the time, which is what I found out. He's already there.

The waiting game has never been one I like to play and waiting on a guy to actually want me is like waiting for some rain in the desert. Probably not going to happen. I was so blind to not see that I already had what I wanted and needed.

Waiting is not worth it for me anymore, although I'm still entirely confused about my future.
I've decided on the guy, but I haven't decided on where I'm going to go next year.
I want to get away, far away. To live elsewhere for a bit, even though I plan to come back.
I'm just not sure how it's going to work quite yet.
My plans are up in the air, literally, in my head.

The guy I'm planning on may not want to be a part of my outrageous plans to get away.
What if he doesn't?
I'll probably end up a lonely cat lady. Most likely, but hopefully with big cats, like a lion or a tiger.
Guys just don't always fit into my plans and I guess for now at least I can say it was fun for the time being, right?

See, I'm scatterbrained. So much going on at once. Boys, plans, travel, animals, and food. Didn't I say food?

My life is a chaotic whirlwind, mostly inside my head, that nobody knows about.
That's all.
That's it.

Life is crazy and amazing and not always what you expect. That's what I'm planning on I guess, for the unexpected. But I'm always hoping for what I want.
A life of travel and love and animals and food.
That would be ok with me.
But if life is unexpected, it's probably going to be me, alone, traveling, scraping by and doing what I can to live out my life the way I want. Alone.

Life is crazy.

Cheers to yours.