Can't Sleep.

Settling is not something I'm good at.
While my life has pushed me in many directions, begging for a choice from either myself or someone else to really decide the fate of what's to come, I have never been one to truly want to settle for the mediocrity of how things can be.
Routines, while stable, end up seeming boring and claustrophobic to me in the end, driving me from everything that is comfortable, pushing everything away and especially the people that surround me at that time.

Why should I settle for what's easy, when I know there is so much more out there, so much more that could be better for me?
Settling for me is more than just settling for the right person, it's settling for the circumstances that coincide with that. Settling for the comfort of the environment, the schedules, the mundane lifestyles of the city life that seem to unfold in front of me with ease.
Settling, while it's a part of our human nature, seems to be something that I strive to push away with every ounce of my being when I start to feel it.

The ache to flee, to run from everything that I've grown to know, is overwhelming at times.
How does one break away without hurting everyone else too much?
You can't break away without some collateral damage, especially in the ways of love. Being attached is the ultimate settling and I've done that before, but while my heart wanted to stay, my whole body was itching to leave. My body, involuntarily secluding myself, being absent in my affection towards who I had known before, always made things easier, but at the same time, so much messier.

Life and love, you should never settle for the things that seem too easy, because the things that are most worth it in life are so much harder to grasp, so much more difficult to hold on to. Putting yourself out there, making an effort, being bold, that's what life is about.
People always say follow your passion and sometimes that may not be true, but the thing about it is, sometimes you can't just give up.
You can't settle for what you feel isn't right. Keep searching for those feelings in life that make everything seem like it's in place, where the puzzle is complete.

I am always missing pieces, but I won't give up until I'm all put together. Settling has never been an option for me, so why would I start letting it be now?

Endless Thoughts

Sometimes, the hardest part of any process is letting go.

Most of the time things just end without giving you any kind of closure.
Questions eat away at you as you sit there in a mind numbing trance, trying to recollect lost memories, things you've filed away for later and never thought you would need.

My life is full of questions that were never really answered.

Usually I have to wait it out. Wait till I come to this place where my mind has just had enough of the torture and has realized, it's over.

I thought too much and now I'm upset enough to not be sad anymore. I'm upset because I still have questions, but not sad enough to ask them.
I let go.

I have a hard enough time speaking my thoughts, writing them can get confusing and jumbled, but at least I can write them down.

Sometimes loving someone isn't enough. You love and you learn and you move on.

I'm not in a place where I care much for wanting someone else. I really don't.

I still think about all the times I've laid next to you, rubbing your back in the morning as we start to wake up.
Eating frozen yogurt as friends and leaving knowing we wanted to be together.
That first kiss, in a crowded restaurant where I was entirely too shocked to say anything.
That first date, that turned into a silly movie night, which led to a crazy turn of events.
Trips and plans and friends and love.
I know I wasn't a good girlfriend at the end, not for awhile.
I pulled away because we were getting serious and I didn't want to be tied down to here. I pulled away, not because I didn't want to be with you, but because I didn't want to lose myself in you, like I always do in relationships, like what I thought was already happening.
I didn't want to just be another girl, giving into someone else's wants.

I loved you, I do love you. I pushed you away and you deserved to be upset about it.
I didn't try hard enough and it really did take losing you to know I didn't want to.
I found myself again, but lost my love at the same time.
I get it. But I'm letting go.

You chose this, I'll accept it now. I still don't want to be friends...because all I can think about is kissing you and so much more.
So, to the end of us.
Now it's just you.. and then there's me, somewhere else.

I hope everything is the way you want it to be, you'll be a great musician if you keep working at it.

Listen to Adele - Water Under the Bridge

Cheers.