Mixed Messages

Life is so full of the unknown.
It's full of questions and halfway answers or none at all.
We are constantly guessing where our lives are going to take us or where we will end up.

Life just loves giving us mixed messages, like messing up the signals your crush is sending you, thinking he's flirting, yet in reality he's just being friendly.

How do we read these messages correctly, how do we get them to be more clear?
Truly, there is no real answer to this, again making this wonderful path we must walk down, even more absurdly difficult.

We must constantly choose, make choices, and be defined by everything we do, even though at some moments, we have no idea whether our choices will end up turning out for the good.
We fall, we get back up and we try again. Falling harder the next time and so on.

I seem to picture my own life lately as a consistent hole I'm trapped in, unable to get out because the walls are too high and I'm just going to end up back down there anyway.
But what I'm seeming to realize, is that it's more about your mindset and how you perceive things.
Yes, not everything is going to be fine and dandy all day every day and yes you're going to feel sad and lonely and vulnerable a lot but that doesn't mean there is no way out.

So instead of just being in a pit, stuck. It's more of being stuck in a pit and all along, there's been a ladder sitting next to you, available for your use if and when you need it. It's up to you to decide whether or not it's what you want.

Do you want to be stuck down in that hole forever or are you going to pull that ladder up and get yourself out.

The hardest part is understanding that you make your destiny, no matter good or bad, lonely or surrounded.
These mixed messages can lead us one way or another, but no matter what we choose, we have to live with it and we have to keep going. It can still be turned around if it was the wrong step down the path, but if you stick with it, you better be ready for some more obstacles. Always.
There will always be obstacles.

Life doesn't end until you do. So live it, live it will, and live it to the best of your ability. That's all you really can do.

Just a reminder. Mostly for myself.

Can't Sleep.

Settling is not something I'm good at.
While my life has pushed me in many directions, begging for a choice from either myself or someone else to really decide the fate of what's to come, I have never been one to truly want to settle for the mediocrity of how things can be.
Routines, while stable, end up seeming boring and claustrophobic to me in the end, driving me from everything that is comfortable, pushing everything away and especially the people that surround me at that time.

Why should I settle for what's easy, when I know there is so much more out there, so much more that could be better for me?
Settling for me is more than just settling for the right person, it's settling for the circumstances that coincide with that. Settling for the comfort of the environment, the schedules, the mundane lifestyles of the city life that seem to unfold in front of me with ease.
Settling, while it's a part of our human nature, seems to be something that I strive to push away with every ounce of my being when I start to feel it.

The ache to flee, to run from everything that I've grown to know, is overwhelming at times.
How does one break away without hurting everyone else too much?
You can't break away without some collateral damage, especially in the ways of love. Being attached is the ultimate settling and I've done that before, but while my heart wanted to stay, my whole body was itching to leave. My body, involuntarily secluding myself, being absent in my affection towards who I had known before, always made things easier, but at the same time, so much messier.

Life and love, you should never settle for the things that seem too easy, because the things that are most worth it in life are so much harder to grasp, so much more difficult to hold on to. Putting yourself out there, making an effort, being bold, that's what life is about.
People always say follow your passion and sometimes that may not be true, but the thing about it is, sometimes you can't just give up.
You can't settle for what you feel isn't right. Keep searching for those feelings in life that make everything seem like it's in place, where the puzzle is complete.

I am always missing pieces, but I won't give up until I'm all put together. Settling has never been an option for me, so why would I start letting it be now?

To Be.

You know when you look outside and you see the trees and you can hear the birds chirping and the world in which nature surrounds you is prevalent?

You look upon it as if you're seeing something different you've never seen before. It's as if you had just begun to see for the first time. That feeling you get when you've been sitting in the dark for too long, but once you step into the light it's almost like rebirth.

The sun shines down into your eyes, blinding, almost hurting, but to the point that you couldn't give a care in this absolutely beautiful world because you're seeing it and feeling it. This feeling, this sight is something you cannot grasp and it's also something that cannot be put into words easily.

I may be describing it but it's not entirely there, it's more just like a fleeting sense of what's happening.
The world is there and it's going, moving without our understanding, we barely see it, but it's still in it's rotation.

So much in this life has to be felt, because if you can't feel it, is it really there.
If you couldn't feel the rain, the droplets falling from the sky onto your skin, would it be raining?
If you couldn't feel your heart flutter, filled with butterflies at the sight of someone you've grown to trust and love, would you in fact be in love?
If you couldn't feel the breeze blowing between the leaves on the trees, rustling your hair away from your shoulders, would the wind actually be blowing?

All of these things we've come to know, we know because of feeling it, knowing it, sometimes seeing it.
You know that feeling you get when you step out into the day, ready and willing to be a part of it, whatever that may be? That feeling that assures you that you are, in fact, alive. That feeling needs to be there, to propel you forward into the days to come. To push you and make you feel what's at your very core, to make you feel exactly what it is that drives you to do what you want to do.

What is it that makes you feel excited to take that step?
What is that feeling you've felt, that strips away every depressive state you've been in before?
Take a deep breath, walk out into the sun, and feel what it is you are.

You are more than just a body and you are more than just where you are and who you surround yourself with. You are a part of this Earth and it feels you more than you could ever imagine to feel it.
Nature encompasses who you are and you have to feel what you're here to do.

Every day brings new light to the world. Every day shares a new feeling.
Feel that brightness cascade down your body and reflect into what you do.

Everyone has the power to be something. Anything. Full of light.
I feel ready, to be.

Life as I Know It

You know what's funny (but not really that funny) is that it took me 24 and a half years to figure out that I need to let go of my stupid un-spontaneous nature and just let go.
I need to let go and do what I want to do.
Life is about more than just letting the world tell you to get a job and do that for the rest of your life, maybe making some good memories along the way, but also wasting away in something you really don't give a shit about.

I am not going to do that anymore. It is decided. While still not entirely spontaneous, I have planned out the rest of my year.
My friends from different states are coming to visit soon and I couldn't be more excited!
Weddings and what not in July, big trip to Thailand after that.
Staying around till our big deadline in October (and saving as much money as I can along the way) and then in November I'm gone.

Happy Birthday to me, I'm leaving the very first part of November to get the hell out of here.
Anywhere has been calling my name for the last 2 years at least and it's finally time to go.
I'm fed up, exhausted, and just plain done with everything that I'm so used to.
Haven't you ever just needed a change? Of scenery, of people, of life.

Nepal is where I have found a great opportunity to volunteer and stay for 3 months. While yes, I will be paying my whole way to be there, in the end it will be entirely worth it for many reasons.
Hopefully after that, Tibet? Maybe...if that works out for next year.
I wish I hadn't been such a terrible person and turned it down while I had the chance for this year, but next year I will be ready if it comes available to me.
I have to move home to my moms and get all my crap together, but once the time hits, I'm outta here.
For awhile I'm hoping.

Kathmandu, I'm coming for you. Be ready, November 2016.

Songs for Future Reference

Songs I love right now:

Fools Gold - Fitz and the Tantrums

Water Under the Bridge - Adele

Miracle Mile - Cold War Kids

Sedated - Hozier (Always love this song)

Hold Back the River - James Bay

Amsterdam - Imagine Dragons

Mountain at My Gates - Foals

So So La La - Strange Talk

Lemon Eyes - Meg Meyers

Cold Cold Man - Saint Motel

Straight Into Your Arms - Vance Joy

Pieces - Andrew Belle

Golden - Parade of Lights

American Money - Borns

Gold - Chet Faker

Dreaming - Smallpools

Paris - Magic Man

New

My willingness to believe in things is uncanny.
Hope is something I long for in every situation, in every corner of my messy life.

I think everything happens for a reason, whether that reason be because there's a set plan by the works of God or if it's just fate.
Everyone makes choices and has made them to take them and bring them to where they are in their lives today, there's no doubt in my mind about that, I hope there's not in yours.

So I suppose the ultimate question is, where do you want to end up? Where are you going and who do you want to be?

The short, quick answer is, I have no idea. I have places and dreams and hope for the people I want in it, but that's not necessarily where it's going.
I have a wandering mind, a wandering soul, an unquenchable imagination and curiosity. I know what I might want, but that doesn't mean that I am going to get it.

But you get what you put out, in a manner of speaking. Just because you want to be the next president doesn't mean you're going to be by sitting on your couch thinking about it, it takes work and dedication.

(mostly I'm just rambling here, don't mind me)

I guess I'm saying this to remind myself of what needs to be done. To be confident about my actions, to do what I need to to create the life that I want.
A reminder that things aren't always easy, but the work it takes will be worth it in the end.

I may not know exactly what my future holds, but I can try to shape it in the way that I want.
I'm starting on my journey to being better. Being a better me is a good start.
I want to be more myself and that's the first step to the rest of my life, right? I think so.

Confidence, honesty, trust, respect, love, hope, life. It may sound silly, but that's what it's all about.
Throw in a dash (maybe a heaping cup) of adventure and a sprinkle of spontaneity and I'm set.

Life is good if you make it that way and I have a feeling it will be, no matter what.
Be who you are and live life accordingly.
Just a reminder.

It's a relief to feel this way since my life has been a ridiculous mess of emotions lately. Cheers!

Fin.

I can't keep living in this love purgatory I have put myself in, but it already feels like hell.
I wish that you could forgive me, but I understand.

I want it to work.
I don't know if you do.
And that's fine, I would just like to know.

I'm here, to actually talk. If that's what you want.
I know you've been avoiding me, ignoring me. I get it.

Ripping myself apart was easy, until it wasn't. Putting myself back together is an entirely different story.
If I can't take this any more, I'll find another place to work, because seeing you just makes me cry at work and I'm sure that's frowned upon.

Just be happy with whatever you choose.

I think saying that I love you is a little too late now.
My mind is made up, as I'm sure yours is too.

I love you. I'm sorry.

What a Tangled Web I Weave

Love isn't like a movie.
It's never going to be.

I can replay every detail of something back to myself, like I'm watching a movie, but trust me, there will be no happy ending.

I'm mad.
I'm mad because I know I messed up. I know, because I feel it every single day. I feel it every time I see him and I feel it when I get home at night and I have nothing but my thoughts and my emotions to fill me full of madness.

I'm mad because that's not love. You don't give up on someone you love just because things get hard.
Love might be easy, but relationships are not. They take work by both people. I was pushing away, but maybe I needed help to be reeled back in, not thrown out to sea with the sharks.

I don't know why I have to be so scared about my future. I don't know why I have to be so scared when things get too serious.
I don't want to get hurt, but I ended up hurting myself way more than I thought would happen.
I broke my own heart because it took me away from someone who meant so much to me.

It's sad really. It's sad that one persons struggles can end such a good thing.
Yes, I struggle with my affection and emotions. It's a thing I deal with on a regular basis.
But you know what's even more sad, is that I was willing to deal with all of his, every one. The anxiety, the potential for depression, the ADD. But my struggles are too real, too hard to deal with.

You know, that's the thing I say when there's someone I don't want to go out with, how I talk myself out of dating people. Because I'm sure they can't handle me. I'm too strong willed, stubborn, and emotionless to be romantic or a good girlfriend.

The saddest part is that I've heard similar things like that before (during my longest relationship). I guess it's why I tell myself that a lot now.
"No one else will want to put up with you"
"You're lucky I'm with you"
"If I can't handle you, you'll never find someone else"

And so on and so on.
I know that it's not true, but it's hard to keep that in mind when everything starts to replay like that.
I want love so bad that I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid to give my whole self because I may not get it all back.
My heart is always hurting. I've lost and I've lost and I'm just here, fighting to keep my sanity in all of this.

My words are jumbled, sometimes contradicting. Sometimes, I honestly don't know how I feel.
I am a mess, but that doesn't mean I can't do better.
Be better.

When I love, I love with all of my heart, whether I show it or not. I show my love in different ways because sometimes, my brain works against my heart.
Saying 'I love you' means the world to me and that's why I don't say it often. I don't want to overuse such important words.
My love is a little bit different, until I learn to trust you with my entire heart. But that doesn't mean it's bad, love is love. I have gotten my heart broken multiple times and I know I need to start to realize that even so, I do deserve the love that I want.

Sometimes I'm afraid I don't deserve the love I desire. Don't ask me why, it's how it goes.
But I do. I deserve someone that's always there, that's willing to love me through it all, despite my shortcomings. Despite my complexities. I have flaws, but so does everyone.

Here it is. Here is me.
Let's get it out in the open and just say, I don't think I want to have kids, for multiple reasons. I just don't see it in the cards for me. I don't find enjoyment being around babies, it's not my thing.
I love animals and sometimes it will seem like I love them more than anythings else. Animals, dogs especially, love you unconditionally. They can't talk back and they're entirely too cute for their own good. Just know that my love for animals comes and goes between species and yes, I will always be fascinated by them.
I love fashion, although my wardrobe may say otherwise. I will always take comfy over stylish, because I know I can't walk in heels for more than an hour and some things are just too cold for Seattle weather.
I like to help people, not just because it is right, but because sometimes people need to be helped and that's ok.
On the other side, I can be very judgmental and critical of things, although I may not always say it. My thoughts are not always meant for the outside world.
Travel is a passion of mine that needs to be put into action at least a couple times a year, otherwise I grow increasingly claustrophobic. The mundane lifestyle I can't live for too long without a nice break.
My friends are important to me, but my family is more so. My friends aren't always there for me, although I will always be there for them. I don't know why that's an ok equation, but I try my best to be a good friend and that includes being honest about how I feel in almost all situations.
I can have fun doing just about anything and I like trying new things, food, places, etc. I'm not entirely risky though, so bungee jumping and skydiving are not on my list.
I'm tough on the outside, because I've needed to be, but my inside is entirely soft. I get hurt more than you think with even little things, but I try not to let them bug me.
I smile a lot, not just because I'm happy but because I want other people to be too, even if I am not.
I am not a good cook. I have to read recipes or make the simplest of things for it to come out properly. I'm great at undercooking or overcooking things. I do like to bake though.

I want my life to be full of happiness, even though it seems I have not found it yet.
I just want to feel happy and I don't want to settle for something that won't make me that way.

I'm stressed, sad, and upset. I've lost my supposed 'soulmate' but I guess there will be another one out there somewhere.
If anything, I'll just adopt a lot of cats and dogs (not hoarding!) and live my life that way.
I'm the only one who can make myself happy.
I've done a good job at messing that one up so far... but I'll keep trying.

This post is way too long, but I'm not going to be silly people making movies and put it into 2 parts.
Fuck that.

Cheers.

The beginning - 2016

Have you ever had to make an important decision that's going to affect your immediate future in just a couple months?

2016 has started out with a bang and I wouldn't necessarily say it's of the good kind.
Newly single, but not wanting to be and struggling to figure out what it is I want and where I'm going.

Who knew that 24 would be my most difficult year for decisions and love. I didn't have a clue...

Yes, I've put myself in this precarious position. Wanting to stay so badly to figure things out (hopefully) with the guy I hurt, but also having to choose if leaving is still a better fit for me.

I finally heard back about the opportunity I was so ready for at the end of December, being able to go and teach two young girls in Tibet.
But having so much time to think about things, I've realized a very key things as to why the flame I had for this has died down, I was trying to run away from everything here.
Not because anything was bad, but because I was feeling claustrophobic. I was feeling suffocated by everything here. My work, my friends, my relationship, and not because anything was going wrong, but because I just felt like I wasn't doing what I really wanted.

I'm not the best at explaining how I feel, but right now, I can honestly say that I am extremely exhausted.
I'm tired and I'm still struggling to put myself together after my love life crumbled.
I'm tired of pushing myself away, when in reality, that's not what I wanted at all.

I've been trying to run away from things for awhile now. Things get too serious, I panic and look for a way out, while pulling back and creating this giant bubble around myself.

Is this a test? What is the right answer for me?
Go or stay?

My relationship seems to be over..but I am still not sure if I want to go. This year is stressing me out.
What more, is that the timing of everything has to be quick.
Today is the day for decisions and I don't think I'm quite ready to make them.

I want love. I want adventure. But I also want to stay sane this year. What's next?

You.

It's funny what time does to you. It gives you the space you desired, but it drags you up and down over countless weeks, replaying and replaying every tiny thing you've ever felt, making sure you don't miss a single instance.

You are a great person, in so many ways. You have your problems just like anyone else, but you're pulling yourself together enough to get out there and do the things you want. I'm glad for you, really.

You have such a great sense of humor. Sometimes in ways I could never understand or comprehend. You always make me laugh and I know that I'm going to live extra long just for knowing you even a little bit.

You have a great sense of style. You like nice things, although I will always think that you look best in the simplest things you wear. A t-shirt and jeans, you wear them so well. I really cannot deny how great you look in a simple black shirt, I have no idea what it is, but I can't take my eyes off of you.

You have big goals and dreams. When it comes to your passions, music especially, you always seem to come back to it, no matter how distracted you may be sometimes. You love music, I see and hear it all the time. I love it too, but not like you do. Your passion goes deeper than that, music isn't just a thing you hear, it's what you feel whenever you hear it. A feeling that nobody can comprehend except for someone with that same passion. You're a good singer and a good guitar player and you're only going to get better. I hope you do.

You're a great lover. While I lack in this category, you definitely don't fall short. You love with all your heart, no matter the trials and tribulations. You have a bigger heart than you let on sometimes, but I see it. You try your best at feeding the emotional aspects, as well as, always keeping the physical love open and ready. I never appreciate this enough, all the compliments you give. I should have appreciated it more.

You're entirely too smart for your own good and I mean that in the best way! Your intelligence isn't surprising, but it's nice. Having someone to talk to about things that are on the same level, instead of having to keep conversations simple, that's so welcomed. While we differ in how we feel about some things, we do actually have a lot of core values in common. Debating nicely, we're good at that.

You have so many great qualities about you, you may not even know it. There is so much more to you than meets the eye. You were my best friend... but I know that all of that is over, you don't want me.
You are going to make some lucky girl entirely too happy one day. I wish that it could be me.

I love you.

Endless Thoughts

Sometimes, the hardest part of any process is letting go.

Most of the time things just end without giving you any kind of closure.
Questions eat away at you as you sit there in a mind numbing trance, trying to recollect lost memories, things you've filed away for later and never thought you would need.

My life is full of questions that were never really answered.

Usually I have to wait it out. Wait till I come to this place where my mind has just had enough of the torture and has realized, it's over.

I thought too much and now I'm upset enough to not be sad anymore. I'm upset because I still have questions, but not sad enough to ask them.
I let go.

I have a hard enough time speaking my thoughts, writing them can get confusing and jumbled, but at least I can write them down.

Sometimes loving someone isn't enough. You love and you learn and you move on.

I'm not in a place where I care much for wanting someone else. I really don't.

I still think about all the times I've laid next to you, rubbing your back in the morning as we start to wake up.
Eating frozen yogurt as friends and leaving knowing we wanted to be together.
That first kiss, in a crowded restaurant where I was entirely too shocked to say anything.
That first date, that turned into a silly movie night, which led to a crazy turn of events.
Trips and plans and friends and love.
I know I wasn't a good girlfriend at the end, not for awhile.
I pulled away because we were getting serious and I didn't want to be tied down to here. I pulled away, not because I didn't want to be with you, but because I didn't want to lose myself in you, like I always do in relationships, like what I thought was already happening.
I didn't want to just be another girl, giving into someone else's wants.

I loved you, I do love you. I pushed you away and you deserved to be upset about it.
I didn't try hard enough and it really did take losing you to know I didn't want to.
I found myself again, but lost my love at the same time.
I get it. But I'm letting go.

You chose this, I'll accept it now. I still don't want to be friends...because all I can think about is kissing you and so much more.
So, to the end of us.
Now it's just you.. and then there's me, somewhere else.

I hope everything is the way you want it to be, you'll be a great musician if you keep working at it.

Listen to Adele - Water Under the Bridge

Cheers.

This is for You.

This is for you, because I know I speak better through the things that I can write down.
I've gotten better with it even through the last year, even though my actual talking it out can be a struggle.
I also know you may not care at all and this is probably also going to be somewhat confusing, but here it goes.

I'm sorry.
Plain and simple, to the point. That's how I feel.
Most of the time, I don't even know how to explain what I'm thinking or feeling to anyone, let alone myself because it's all just so confusing and usually overwhelming.
I love too much and it hurts that I struggle to show it. Every time when I think about things I want to do or say, I can't. Sometimes I can make myself blurt something out, but it's not necessarily how I really feel, it's just words flowing out of me for the sake of talking and contributing.
It's ridiculous and there's no way you can know how it feels to have it be like that.

Here's where my affection turns to none. Because my internal struggle is beating me up inside, nothing is able to come out. Is that anxiety? Is that an insecurity? I have no idea.
Again, sometimes I can make myself do things, but most of the time it ends up being silly and not what I wanted.

I'm not a confident person in love.
I'm good at being a girlfriend, being committed, but I'm bad at the affection.
I read an article recently about emotional abuse.. which in all reality, sounds like my last relationship.
(Here) Also, this one has important info too (Here)
It makes it hard to love properly when all I could do before was slip into myself when something bad was happening. Getting quiet, no touching, being still.
You're nothing like anyone I've dated. Better, really. But that doesn't make it any easier for me, sadly. Which makes it hard on you.. hard to deal with.

Sometimes all I want to do is hug you. For a very long time. I try to be as strong as possible, emotions make me feel kind of weak, in a way. Vulnerable. I don't like feeling like that.

Our casual way to go about starting our relationship had lasting effects on how the rest of it went. I think that made it hard too.
I wasn't always open with you about things I wanted to do because I had a feeling it wasn't want you would want. Traveling mostly.
Thailand is great, but you know I wanted to get away for longer. Slowly I'm accepting being here, but I may have an opportunity to leave sooner than I thought..waiting on an answer for that. And you said you didn't want to do long distance. Which also made me not want to tell you and also made me pull away from you.

Communication is key in every relationship and I thought we were doing so good at it. Planning our separate lives and not necessarily melding them together made it hard on us. I felt like we were living in the moment, of course we were, but we weren't necessarily planning our future together at all.

I'm sorry this is such a mixed up bag of everything I've been thinking about lately.
I feel dumb when I don't exactly know what I feel.
I feel even dumber when I know how I feel but can't get the words out.

I love you. I didn't want to break up. Maybe it is for the best, but love is a choice and I chose to love you, which makes it even harder to let it go. I dropped the ball. I know.

I'm always the one to keep fighting for what I want and maybe that's a sign that I'm doing something wrong, especially when the other person doesn't seem to give a shit about what's going on.
This was supposed to be easy, right. No tears, no problem.
It was fine the first week, time was nice, everyone needs a break sometimes. I feel like I just need a breather every once in awhile. It also helped me to gather my thoughts and understand that I'm not ok with it.

But I guess if someone's not fighting to keep you, that's it.
That says it all doesn't it.
I get it though.

I can't be friends because I don't want to be. It's all or nothing for me, sadly. Because when I love someone, there's no way in hell being friends will be a fun time.
I don't want anyone else. I don't want to hear about you with anyone else. But it'll get easier. It always does. So here we are, I'm trying to make peace with it.
Bad timing? Maybe. Not meant to be? I guess.

I'm writing nonsense now because I'm coming down from my adrenaline induced writing high.
If you want to know more about how I feel, read my previous nonsensical posts. That may shine more light. Even go to my Tumblr. See everything.
I don't care.

My thought process is ridiculous.
I've been updating this and almost unpublishing it a billion times now.

Love in Life.

Love and relationships are undoubtedly one of the biggest and best parts about life.
Life can be full of great things, but if love isn't a part of it, there's not much else going on.

What you may not learn growing up from school, your family, or even your friends until you go through it, is that relationships and love can also be extremely draining, exhausting, and difficult.

Love, by all means, is amazing, of course, but the fact stands that love can also be your downfall.

You may hold on too tightly to something that never was.
You may hold back too much and nothing ever happens.
You may seek it out and never find it.

I guess that's how it works though, when you try to hard, it doesn't work, but also when you try to little, it gets taken away too quickly.
Where is the compromise, the in between and how do you get there? How do you suggest to yourself and to you partner that this takes both of us, this takes me, choosing you, this takes me trying and putting in all I can but also not giving up who I am.

The struggle.
The want. The need. The ultimate disappointment when something goes wrong.
Love.

Maybe it's not love that does that to us. Love is supposed to be the best, the most, what we're all searching for no matter if we're looking for it now or not.
Love makes life live-able. Love makes you want more in life because you have it.
So what is it that makes love so complicated.

Well, to put it simply, it's us. The complicated beings that we are, the people we choose to be and be with. That's it.
We complicate things for our own lives because of change, because of circumstance, because of insecurities we all have.

Love is supposedly easy, but we make it so much more difficult than it needs to be.

To Have Loved?

What happens when you're the one person who's standing in the way of your own happiness?
What do you do?

How do you cope with the fact that you push away everything you've wanted and probably need, just because you don't know where it's going or what you're doing with your life?

Confused yet? I am.
I seem to have a conflicted mind and heart, fighting eternally for what they want and never meeting in the middle for what might be best for all.
Doesn't it suck when you can't even tell whether it's your head or your emotions making the decisions?
I have been struggling with that lately. It's an impossible itch to scratch when your thoughts and feelings intermingle and make your internal confusion process out loud and screw everything up.

Being alone has been the only way to start to sort out what I think I might want, in reality. But it the end, it still seems so difficult to decipher.

Love. What even is love if not a figment of my own imagination? I tend to be hard to love, hard on myself for loving, and never sure what I actually want out of that kind of relationship.

Here again, is where my head and my heart don't quite see eye to eye. Love is easy, until it's not.

Let's just say, I have no idea what I'm doing. I hide my true feelings so that it doesn't hurt so much in the end, because for the most part, that seems to be the inevitability for me. I'm always sitting in my inevitable relationship downfall. Which of course means, that yes, it's going to end.

Love can be hard, but why do I have to make it so much harder on myself. Why can't I just love and have that be ok?
Why does it have to be over to make me understand what I just lost and what I'm not ever going to get back?

To have love and lost is one thing, but to have loved and lost because you were a complete and total idiot and shouldn't have been pushing people way is another thing.

I'm the total and complete idiot by the way.
That's me.
Over here.
I ruined things again. Maybe it is all my fault. But I guess if it's that easy to let me go, it wasn't going to work out anyway right? Who knows. I don't.