Life is so full of the unknown.
It's full of questions and halfway answers or none at all.
We are constantly guessing where our lives are going to take us or where we will end up.
Life just loves giving us mixed messages, like messing up the signals your crush is sending you, thinking he's flirting, yet in reality he's just being friendly.
How do we read these messages correctly, how do we get them to be more clear?
Truly, there is no real answer to this, again making this wonderful path we must walk down, even more absurdly difficult.
We must constantly choose, make choices, and be defined by everything we do, even though at some moments, we have no idea whether our choices will end up turning out for the good.
We fall, we get back up and we try again. Falling harder the next time and so on.
I seem to picture my own life lately as a consistent hole I'm trapped in, unable to get out because the walls are too high and I'm just going to end up back down there anyway.
But what I'm seeming to realize, is that it's more about your mindset and how you perceive things.
Yes, not everything is going to be fine and dandy all day every day and yes you're going to feel sad and lonely and vulnerable a lot but that doesn't mean there is no way out.
So instead of just being in a pit, stuck. It's more of being stuck in a pit and all along, there's been a ladder sitting next to you, available for your use if and when you need it. It's up to you to decide whether or not it's what you want.
Do you want to be stuck down in that hole forever or are you going to pull that ladder up and get yourself out.
The hardest part is understanding that you make your destiny, no matter good or bad, lonely or surrounded.
These mixed messages can lead us one way or another, but no matter what we choose, we have to live with it and we have to keep going. It can still be turned around if it was the wrong step down the path, but if you stick with it, you better be ready for some more obstacles. Always.
There will always be obstacles.
Life doesn't end until you do. So live it, live it will, and live it to the best of your ability. That's all you really can do.
Just a reminder. Mostly for myself.
Friday, July 1, 2016
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Can't Sleep.
Settling is not something I'm good at.
While my life has pushed me in many directions, begging for a choice from either myself or someone else to really decide the fate of what's to come, I have never been one to truly want to settle for the mediocrity of how things can be.
Routines, while stable, end up seeming boring and claustrophobic to me in the end, driving me from everything that is comfortable, pushing everything away and especially the people that surround me at that time.
Why should I settle for what's easy, when I know there is so much more out there, so much more that could be better for me?
Settling for me is more than just settling for the right person, it's settling for the circumstances that coincide with that. Settling for the comfort of the environment, the schedules, the mundane lifestyles of the city life that seem to unfold in front of me with ease.
Settling, while it's a part of our human nature, seems to be something that I strive to push away with every ounce of my being when I start to feel it.
The ache to flee, to run from everything that I've grown to know, is overwhelming at times.
How does one break away without hurting everyone else too much?
You can't break away without some collateral damage, especially in the ways of love. Being attached is the ultimate settling and I've done that before, but while my heart wanted to stay, my whole body was itching to leave. My body, involuntarily secluding myself, being absent in my affection towards who I had known before, always made things easier, but at the same time, so much messier.
Life and love, you should never settle for the things that seem too easy, because the things that are most worth it in life are so much harder to grasp, so much more difficult to hold on to. Putting yourself out there, making an effort, being bold, that's what life is about.
People always say follow your passion and sometimes that may not be true, but the thing about it is, sometimes you can't just give up.
You can't settle for what you feel isn't right. Keep searching for those feelings in life that make everything seem like it's in place, where the puzzle is complete.
I am always missing pieces, but I won't give up until I'm all put together. Settling has never been an option for me, so why would I start letting it be now?
While my life has pushed me in many directions, begging for a choice from either myself or someone else to really decide the fate of what's to come, I have never been one to truly want to settle for the mediocrity of how things can be.
Routines, while stable, end up seeming boring and claustrophobic to me in the end, driving me from everything that is comfortable, pushing everything away and especially the people that surround me at that time.
Why should I settle for what's easy, when I know there is so much more out there, so much more that could be better for me?
Settling for me is more than just settling for the right person, it's settling for the circumstances that coincide with that. Settling for the comfort of the environment, the schedules, the mundane lifestyles of the city life that seem to unfold in front of me with ease.
Settling, while it's a part of our human nature, seems to be something that I strive to push away with every ounce of my being when I start to feel it.
The ache to flee, to run from everything that I've grown to know, is overwhelming at times.
How does one break away without hurting everyone else too much?
You can't break away without some collateral damage, especially in the ways of love. Being attached is the ultimate settling and I've done that before, but while my heart wanted to stay, my whole body was itching to leave. My body, involuntarily secluding myself, being absent in my affection towards who I had known before, always made things easier, but at the same time, so much messier.
Life and love, you should never settle for the things that seem too easy, because the things that are most worth it in life are so much harder to grasp, so much more difficult to hold on to. Putting yourself out there, making an effort, being bold, that's what life is about.
People always say follow your passion and sometimes that may not be true, but the thing about it is, sometimes you can't just give up.
You can't settle for what you feel isn't right. Keep searching for those feelings in life that make everything seem like it's in place, where the puzzle is complete.
I am always missing pieces, but I won't give up until I'm all put together. Settling has never been an option for me, so why would I start letting it be now?
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
To Be.
You know when you look outside and you see the trees and you can hear the birds chirping and the world in which nature surrounds you is prevalent?
You look upon it as if you're seeing something different you've never seen before. It's as if you had just begun to see for the first time. That feeling you get when you've been sitting in the dark for too long, but once you step into the light it's almost like rebirth.
The sun shines down into your eyes, blinding, almost hurting, but to the point that you couldn't give a care in this absolutely beautiful world because you're seeing it and feeling it. This feeling, this sight is something you cannot grasp and it's also something that cannot be put into words easily.
I may be describing it but it's not entirely there, it's more just like a fleeting sense of what's happening.
The world is there and it's going, moving without our understanding, we barely see it, but it's still in it's rotation.
So much in this life has to be felt, because if you can't feel it, is it really there.
If you couldn't feel the rain, the droplets falling from the sky onto your skin, would it be raining?
If you couldn't feel your heart flutter, filled with butterflies at the sight of someone you've grown to trust and love, would you in fact be in love?
If you couldn't feel the breeze blowing between the leaves on the trees, rustling your hair away from your shoulders, would the wind actually be blowing?
All of these things we've come to know, we know because of feeling it, knowing it, sometimes seeing it.
You know that feeling you get when you step out into the day, ready and willing to be a part of it, whatever that may be? That feeling that assures you that you are, in fact, alive. That feeling needs to be there, to propel you forward into the days to come. To push you and make you feel what's at your very core, to make you feel exactly what it is that drives you to do what you want to do.
What is it that makes you feel excited to take that step?
What is that feeling you've felt, that strips away every depressive state you've been in before?
Take a deep breath, walk out into the sun, and feel what it is you are.
You are more than just a body and you are more than just where you are and who you surround yourself with. You are a part of this Earth and it feels you more than you could ever imagine to feel it.
Nature encompasses who you are and you have to feel what you're here to do.
Every day brings new light to the world. Every day shares a new feeling.
Feel that brightness cascade down your body and reflect into what you do.
Everyone has the power to be something. Anything. Full of light.
I feel ready, to be.
You look upon it as if you're seeing something different you've never seen before. It's as if you had just begun to see for the first time. That feeling you get when you've been sitting in the dark for too long, but once you step into the light it's almost like rebirth.
The sun shines down into your eyes, blinding, almost hurting, but to the point that you couldn't give a care in this absolutely beautiful world because you're seeing it and feeling it. This feeling, this sight is something you cannot grasp and it's also something that cannot be put into words easily.
I may be describing it but it's not entirely there, it's more just like a fleeting sense of what's happening.
The world is there and it's going, moving without our understanding, we barely see it, but it's still in it's rotation.
So much in this life has to be felt, because if you can't feel it, is it really there.
If you couldn't feel the rain, the droplets falling from the sky onto your skin, would it be raining?
If you couldn't feel your heart flutter, filled with butterflies at the sight of someone you've grown to trust and love, would you in fact be in love?
If you couldn't feel the breeze blowing between the leaves on the trees, rustling your hair away from your shoulders, would the wind actually be blowing?
All of these things we've come to know, we know because of feeling it, knowing it, sometimes seeing it.
You know that feeling you get when you step out into the day, ready and willing to be a part of it, whatever that may be? That feeling that assures you that you are, in fact, alive. That feeling needs to be there, to propel you forward into the days to come. To push you and make you feel what's at your very core, to make you feel exactly what it is that drives you to do what you want to do.
What is it that makes you feel excited to take that step?
What is that feeling you've felt, that strips away every depressive state you've been in before?
Take a deep breath, walk out into the sun, and feel what it is you are.
You are more than just a body and you are more than just where you are and who you surround yourself with. You are a part of this Earth and it feels you more than you could ever imagine to feel it.
Nature encompasses who you are and you have to feel what you're here to do.
Every day brings new light to the world. Every day shares a new feeling.
Feel that brightness cascade down your body and reflect into what you do.
Everyone has the power to be something. Anything. Full of light.
I feel ready, to be.
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
Life as I Know It
You know what's funny (but not really that funny) is that it took me 24 and a half years to figure out that I need to let go of my stupid un-spontaneous nature and just let go.
I need to let go and do what I want to do.
Life is about more than just letting the world tell you to get a job and do that for the rest of your life, maybe making some good memories along the way, but also wasting away in something you really don't give a shit about.
I am not going to do that anymore. It is decided. While still not entirely spontaneous, I have planned out the rest of my year.
My friends from different states are coming to visit soon and I couldn't be more excited!
Weddings and what not in July, big trip to Thailand after that.
Staying around till our big deadline in October (and saving as much money as I can along the way) and then in November I'm gone.
Happy Birthday to me, I'm leaving the very first part of November to get the hell out of here.
Anywhere has been calling my name for the last 2 years at least and it's finally time to go.
I'm fed up, exhausted, and just plain done with everything that I'm so used to.
Haven't you ever just needed a change? Of scenery, of people, of life.
Nepal is where I have found a great opportunity to volunteer and stay for 3 months. While yes, I will be paying my whole way to be there, in the end it will be entirely worth it for many reasons.
Hopefully after that, Tibet? Maybe...if that works out for next year.
I wish I hadn't been such a terrible person and turned it down while I had the chance for this year, but next year I will be ready if it comes available to me.
I have to move home to my moms and get all my crap together, but once the time hits, I'm outta here.
For awhile I'm hoping.
Kathmandu, I'm coming for you. Be ready, November 2016.
I need to let go and do what I want to do.
Life is about more than just letting the world tell you to get a job and do that for the rest of your life, maybe making some good memories along the way, but also wasting away in something you really don't give a shit about.
I am not going to do that anymore. It is decided. While still not entirely spontaneous, I have planned out the rest of my year.
My friends from different states are coming to visit soon and I couldn't be more excited!
Weddings and what not in July, big trip to Thailand after that.
Staying around till our big deadline in October (and saving as much money as I can along the way) and then in November I'm gone.
Happy Birthday to me, I'm leaving the very first part of November to get the hell out of here.
Anywhere has been calling my name for the last 2 years at least and it's finally time to go.
I'm fed up, exhausted, and just plain done with everything that I'm so used to.
Haven't you ever just needed a change? Of scenery, of people, of life.
Nepal is where I have found a great opportunity to volunteer and stay for 3 months. While yes, I will be paying my whole way to be there, in the end it will be entirely worth it for many reasons.
Hopefully after that, Tibet? Maybe...if that works out for next year.
I wish I hadn't been such a terrible person and turned it down while I had the chance for this year, but next year I will be ready if it comes available to me.
I have to move home to my moms and get all my crap together, but once the time hits, I'm outta here.
For awhile I'm hoping.
Kathmandu, I'm coming for you. Be ready, November 2016.
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Songs for Future Reference
Songs I love right now:
Fools Gold - Fitz and the Tantrums
Water Under the Bridge - Adele
Miracle Mile - Cold War Kids
Sedated - Hozier (Always love this song)
Hold Back the River - James Bay
Amsterdam - Imagine Dragons
Mountain at My Gates - Foals
So So La La - Strange Talk
Lemon Eyes - Meg Meyers
Cold Cold Man - Saint Motel
Straight Into Your Arms - Vance Joy
Pieces - Andrew Belle
Golden - Parade of Lights
American Money - Borns
Gold - Chet Faker
Dreaming - Smallpools
Paris - Magic Man
Fools Gold - Fitz and the Tantrums
Water Under the Bridge - Adele
Miracle Mile - Cold War Kids
Sedated - Hozier (Always love this song)
Hold Back the River - James Bay
Amsterdam - Imagine Dragons
Mountain at My Gates - Foals
So So La La - Strange Talk
Lemon Eyes - Meg Meyers
Cold Cold Man - Saint Motel
Straight Into Your Arms - Vance Joy
Pieces - Andrew Belle
Golden - Parade of Lights
American Money - Borns
Gold - Chet Faker
Dreaming - Smallpools
Paris - Magic Man
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
New
My willingness to believe in things is uncanny.
Hope is something I long for in every situation, in every corner of my messy life.
I think everything happens for a reason, whether that reason be because there's a set plan by the works of God or if it's just fate.
Everyone makes choices and has made them to take them and bring them to where they are in their lives today, there's no doubt in my mind about that, I hope there's not in yours.
So I suppose the ultimate question is, where do you want to end up? Where are you going and who do you want to be?
The short, quick answer is, I have no idea. I have places and dreams and hope for the people I want in it, but that's not necessarily where it's going.
I have a wandering mind, a wandering soul, an unquenchable imagination and curiosity. I know what I might want, but that doesn't mean that I am going to get it.
But you get what you put out, in a manner of speaking. Just because you want to be the next president doesn't mean you're going to be by sitting on your couch thinking about it, it takes work and dedication.
(mostly I'm just rambling here, don't mind me)
I guess I'm saying this to remind myself of what needs to be done. To be confident about my actions, to do what I need to to create the life that I want.
A reminder that things aren't always easy, but the work it takes will be worth it in the end.
I may not know exactly what my future holds, but I can try to shape it in the way that I want.
I'm starting on my journey to being better. Being a better me is a good start.
I want to be more myself and that's the first step to the rest of my life, right? I think so.
Confidence, honesty, trust, respect, love, hope, life. It may sound silly, but that's what it's all about.
Throw in a dash (maybe a heaping cup) of adventure and a sprinkle of spontaneity and I'm set.
Life is good if you make it that way and I have a feeling it will be, no matter what.
Be who you are and live life accordingly.
Just a reminder.
It's a relief to feel this way since my life has been a ridiculous mess of emotions lately. Cheers!
Hope is something I long for in every situation, in every corner of my messy life.
I think everything happens for a reason, whether that reason be because there's a set plan by the works of God or if it's just fate.
Everyone makes choices and has made them to take them and bring them to where they are in their lives today, there's no doubt in my mind about that, I hope there's not in yours.
So I suppose the ultimate question is, where do you want to end up? Where are you going and who do you want to be?
The short, quick answer is, I have no idea. I have places and dreams and hope for the people I want in it, but that's not necessarily where it's going.
I have a wandering mind, a wandering soul, an unquenchable imagination and curiosity. I know what I might want, but that doesn't mean that I am going to get it.
But you get what you put out, in a manner of speaking. Just because you want to be the next president doesn't mean you're going to be by sitting on your couch thinking about it, it takes work and dedication.
(mostly I'm just rambling here, don't mind me)
I guess I'm saying this to remind myself of what needs to be done. To be confident about my actions, to do what I need to to create the life that I want.
A reminder that things aren't always easy, but the work it takes will be worth it in the end.
I may not know exactly what my future holds, but I can try to shape it in the way that I want.
I'm starting on my journey to being better. Being a better me is a good start.
I want to be more myself and that's the first step to the rest of my life, right? I think so.
Confidence, honesty, trust, respect, love, hope, life. It may sound silly, but that's what it's all about.
Throw in a dash (maybe a heaping cup) of adventure and a sprinkle of spontaneity and I'm set.
Life is good if you make it that way and I have a feeling it will be, no matter what.
Be who you are and live life accordingly.
Just a reminder.
It's a relief to feel this way since my life has been a ridiculous mess of emotions lately. Cheers!
Friday, January 29, 2016
Fin.
I can't keep living in this love purgatory I have put myself in, but it already feels like hell.
I wish that you could forgive me, but I understand.
I want it to work.
I don't know if you do.
And that's fine, I would just like to know.
I'm here, to actually talk. If that's what you want.
I know you've been avoiding me, ignoring me. I get it.
Ripping myself apart was easy, until it wasn't. Putting myself back together is an entirely different story.
If I can't take this any more, I'll find another place to work, because seeing you just makes me cry at work and I'm sure that's frowned upon.
Just be happy with whatever you choose.
I think saying that I love you is a little too late now.
My mind is made up, as I'm sure yours is too.
I love you. I'm sorry.
I wish that you could forgive me, but I understand.
I want it to work.
I don't know if you do.
And that's fine, I would just like to know.
I'm here, to actually talk. If that's what you want.
I know you've been avoiding me, ignoring me. I get it.
Ripping myself apart was easy, until it wasn't. Putting myself back together is an entirely different story.
If I can't take this any more, I'll find another place to work, because seeing you just makes me cry at work and I'm sure that's frowned upon.
Just be happy with whatever you choose.
I think saying that I love you is a little too late now.
My mind is made up, as I'm sure yours is too.
I love you. I'm sorry.
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